OVERBREWED BEER

PAGSASAMA, PAGSASALO, PAG-IISA

2005-06-01T15:33:00.000+08:00

Kapag tinamaan ka nga naman.

Mayo 21, Sabado, pagkagaling sa bahay nina PJ. Wala pa akong balak umuwi noon. Lahat ng tao sa bahay nasa Quezon, pinuntahan ang isang faith healer. Si Pao, inaaya kong gumimik at magsaya, suko na. Ako naman ‘tong kahit puyat na ay sige pa rin sa lakwatsa. Ang nangyari, napadpad ako sa Rob’s Place at nanood ng Amityville Horror nang mag-isa. Payong kaibigan: Huwag manonood ng nakakatakot na palabas nang walang kasama. Magmumukha kang tanga. Hindi na nga makasigaw, wala pang yayakapin para umiskor.

Ayos na sana gumimik, ang kaso, may bitbit akong dambuhalang bag. Magmumukha naman akong high school kung sumasayaw ako sa Bed nang naka-bag. Parang wala ‘atang lalapit sa akin kung nagkataon. Tutal naman wala talaga akong balak umuwi, tinext ko si Edgar. “Egg, san gimik mamya? Pd b paiwan ng gamit? ü”

May tipar daw siyang pupuntahan kasama ang ilang kaibigan. Ako naman ‘tong pusang gala na walang pakialam kung sino ang kasama. Sakto!

Punta muna kami sa Greenbelt 3 para kumain ng hapunan. Doon ko nakilala si Chris. Sa unang tingin, aakalain mong nawawalang kakambal ni Jonas E. ang mamang ito. Payat, matangkad, nagyoyosi, umiinom, guwapo. Ayos!

Masaya naman ang hapunan naming tatlo. Hinihintay na lang namin ang ilan nilang kaibigan. Sa kamalasmalasan(?) mayroong isang taong isinama ang kanilang mga kaibigan na ayaw nilang makasama. Kaya naman napagdesisyunan nilang gumawa na lang ng sariling lakad.

Punta kami sa Malate sa isang comedy bar. Kantahan. Inuman. Kwentuhan. Landian. Lumabas kami ng bar na may pagkakaintindihang gusto namin ni Chris ang isa’t isa.

Kapag minamalas ka nga naman. Si Chris ay may kasintahang nagngangalang PAUL na nasa ‘TATE. Nagkakalabuan na sila dahil pinapabayaan siya ni Paul. Tanginang coincidence yan!

Noong una, akala ko isang gabi lang kami. Pagdating sa bahay niya, nagkwentuhan lang kami buong magdamag. Kahit na nakasalawal na lang kami sige pa rin ang kwentuhan tungkol sa buhay, sa relasyon. Sa isip ko: Ganun?! Magkekwentuhan lang tayo? Sige na nga. Masarap naman ang usapan natin.

Hindi ko na alam kung papaano ako natulog.

Tanghali na nang nagising kami. Doon na nangyari ang dapat mangyari... Nagkwentuhan na naman kami. Pero sa pagkakataong iyon, mas naging malalim ang usapan. Isip ko na lang: Tangina! Nahuhumaling ako sa taong ito! Hindi ito maaari!

At ayun na nga. Totoo na ito. Nangyari na ang dapat mangyari. [ngiting abot tenga]

Lunes na ako umalis sa bahay niya. Naiwan ko ang puso ko.

Hiwalay na sila ni Paul ngayon. Nagsasama na kami ngayon sa bahay niya. Umaasa na naman akong sana ito na nga.

Masaya ako. Ano’ng paki mo?! Halos nakalimutan ko na yata kung papano maging masaya dahil sa pagmamahal. Ngayon ito na ang laman ng buo kong pagkatao. Nawa'y 'di magmaliw.

SIMULA NGAYON...

2005-05-15T14:46:00.000+08:00

Hindi na ako magsusulat ng purely English na blogposts. Wala lang. Hindi naman kasi ako Kano o anuman kaya bakit ko kelangan mag-Ingles kapag nagsusulat. Hindi rin naman ako nag-ii-straight English kapag normal na pakikipag-usap lang. Wala naman sigurong banyagang nagbabasa ng blog na ito, di ba? Hindi ko rin naman ipapasa tong mga sinusulat ko sa English teacher ko. Malamang na-inspire ako ng kanta ng Bamboo. Pinoy ako! Ano’ng paki mo! Napagtanto ko lang na kung talagang nag-aalab ang pagmamahal ko sa lahing Pilipino, bakit hindi ko ginagamit ang sariling wika sa pinaka-intimate kong pagsusulat. Oo nga nagta-Taglish ako. Makabago rin naman ako. Hindi naman ako lumaki sa panahon ni Kopongkopong (Sino nga ba si Kopongkopong?). Basta kung saan ako pinakakumportable, dun ako.

Mas magiging maingat na ako sa pag-ibig. Oo alam ko ilang beses ko na yan sinabi. Pero ngayon seryoso na ito. Si Eric, nakilala ko sa Bed. Dalawang linggo na kami lumalabas. Nag-stay pa kami sa hotel ng dalawang weekends. Alam nyang wala akong intensyong magseryoso ngayon. Gusto ko lang mag-date, makipagkaibigan sa ibang tao. Kanina ang huli naming araw na magkasama ni Eric. Pupunta na syang UK para magtrabaho ng ilang buwan. Kanina rin sinabihan nya ako ng “I love you!” Por dios por santo! Mahabaging langit! Not again! Natameme lang ako sa sinabi nya. Saan ba ako nagkamali? Nagkakamali? Bakit madalas sa minsan kung hindi man ako ang pabugso-bugso, sila naman ang salarin. Kailangan mag-ingat. Magpakasaya hanggat maaari habang isinasaalang-alang din ang damdamin ng ibang tao.

Magseseryoso na ako sa trabaho. Malapit na ang revalida. Kailangan nang maghanda. Napag-uusapan na rin naman ang trabaho, nakakalungkot isipin na may mga taong pinalad na mas maging matagumpay sa buhay. Ayokong maging ako ang aking trabaho. Ngunit nag-aalangan ako kung susuko ako sa pag-iisip na iyon lamang ang daan patungong karangyaan.

Magpapaganda na ako ng katawan. Heto na naman ako. Pero ito seryoso na. (Sinabi ko rin yan dati e!) Dahil mayroong gym sa loob ng planta, madali na lamang ito. Kailangan na lang ng disiplina. Kailangan gumising ng maaga para bago magtrabaho tapos na sa gym. Good luck na lang sa akin kung gising pa ako ng hapon. Kailangang kumain ng tama. Bawas ng inom ng ~~alak~~ softdinks. Ganoon talaga e. Kailangang magtiis. Natataranta na ako kasi ang sabi ni Doc Rommel ay mukha na raw akong 26! Ano?! 26?!

Mas papahalagahan ko na ang pakikipagkaibigan. Gusto kong isipin na kapag naaksidente ako may dadalaw sa akin sa ospital. Kapag hahagulgul ako, may hihimas sa likod ko. Kapag gusto kong uminom, mayroon akong katagay. Miss ko na si Kris. Miss ko na si Kris. Miss ko na ang Odders. Miss ko na ang batchmates ko sa RPT. Miss ko na ang RPT, Ibalon at PMS. Miss ko na sina Paul, Ces at Ice. Miss ko na yung mga kababata kong kasama kong mag-sacristan, mag-habulan kalabitan. Miss ko na ang kwentuhan, halakhakan, iyakan.

Tutuparin ko na lahat ng sinulat ko dito. Pramis!

THE PORNOGRAPHER

2005-05-10T18:42:00.000+08:00

You might be wondering what I've been doing for the past few days after the breakup... or you're not. Well I'll tell you anyway. I've been very busy with work. It's like I already breathe work. Every single working day has become more tiring than the last one.

As for my social life, I'm social as a bee. All my weekends have been booked with parties, dates, trips. I'm indeed free as a bird. No worries. No hassles.

The best thing that happened as of late is my sister coming back from Kuala Lumpur. Not because I'm happy to see her. Sheesh, God only knows how my eyes roll with the idea of having her as a roommate again. I'm psyched because of the digicam she got for the family. When she notice that I couldn't take my hands off of it, she told me I could have it. Naaah. She's not that generous. She told me I could be the one who keeps it. Good enough for me!

So I've been experimenting with the camera lately. And boy oh boy! Have I found myself a new hobby!

Here are a few shots I took this weekend:

Hehehe! Naughty me!

CHAPTER 8

2005-05-02T14:23:00.000+08:00

I was uncertain then. Now I'm absolutely sure.

I'm free as a bird.

(Again?!)

CITY OF ANGELS

2005-04-23T11:23:00.000+08:00

Two weeks ago, Yul and I, together with his officemates, went to Pampanga for their company outing. The people were great and quite fun to be with actually. They didn’t mind at all that Yul and I are a couple. We did our thing and they couldn’t care less.

Saturday night we went to Angeles into the red district. What a sight! I’ve never seen so many nightclubs in one street. Women abound in the sidewalk exchanging glances with the passersby, enticing them to come inside. And come inside we did. Wow! It was my first time to go inside such a place and man, Angeles is indeed a city of angels. Ass! Beautiful ass! Left and right, there it was.

Three actually caught my eye. On top of the list was an Andrea Del Rosario doppelganger. Man was she hot. Just the right amount of bosom and over the top dance moves that could make you pop at once. Boy was she a tease! Number two was another sexy young woman (She’s probably 16. I hope not.). She was dancing like crazy with Number one. Whoa! Just let me dance with these two hotties and my night is made. And what do you know? I did dance with them and three other women! With one hand on a beer and another on an ass cheek, it was indeed a lovely day.

Number three was a ledge dancer. Being the gentleman that I am, I helped her up the ledge, of course. Then she danced. She was so close I could smell her. And her stomach was so sexy I couldn’t take my hand off of it.

Too bad we had to go. Plus these girls had to make a living and we had no money to give them. Some other time, maybe I’ll have much more fun.

Do not get me wrong though. I am not a supporter of prostitution. When you see these women dance you’ll think they’re just having fun. But then there are some who seemed really uncomfortable. One even looked like she’s just 12. And that was not a good thing to see. Shame on me for trying to ignore it.

I feel bad for enjoying as much as I did. I really do. It’s like eating chocolate when you’re on a diet. You feel the guilt after you’ve done the most horrific thing in the world.

Perhaps I should have focused on the hot guys who were around that night: French, Chinese, Filipino, Latino, American. But then again it was an opportunity of a lifetime. It was the first time I’ve been inside a bar like that. It’s one of those times that I should give the ladies the attention.

I’m so sorry if I offended anyone with this post. I’m just expressing what’s in my mind. Peace.

POR DIOS POR SANTO

2005-04-04T14:11:00.000+08:00

Last Holy Week I felt like Jesus.

From Day 1, no, even before Day 1, Yul and I were at it again. Wednesday was about me not answering the phone immediately and him suspecting Edgar and I were doing “something”. Then we made peace. Thursday was about me paying too much attention to Edgar. Then we made peace. Friday was about me giving Edgar way too much attention and calling him a liar. Then we made peace. Saturday was about how we value each other’s company. Then he broke up with me.

I was torn. My whole world spun and I felt helpless. I never realized I loved him that much – so much that the whole world crumbled. I just wanted him to be happy with me as I am with him.

Sunday Jesus came back to life.

Love is resurrected and renewed.

(Pardon the blasphemy. No disrespect intended.)

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The Pope has died and I can’t help but feel sad. He was a great man. I dare say, the greatest pope ever. I hope the next would be just as good as he was if not better.

I’m actually a bit anxious about the Pope’s health deteriorating and now his death. Some people say it is the last event that would mark the start of the end.

It feels strange. It seems to me that everything – the whole world, the sky, the earth – is mourning.

I’m not a believer in the traditional God but I do believe in goodness – blessed be Karol Josef.

BUTEKTEKHARYOOKEN!

2005-04-01T17:49:00.000+08:00

Okay, so I've got a confession to make. I've been watching the boxing-reality series on TV called "Kamao". The reason? Well, I like watching contact sports... and the guy on the picture. Damn! This is one hot boxer!

Back in college, I was asking people if they knew a boxing gym near the campus. Unfortunately, I never found one so I still know very little about boxing. I just want to hit someone. Not because I'm angry or hostile. I just want to hit someone. I've never hit anyone in my entire life and I just want to know what it feels like - to hit and be hit. What I want to experience is giving and taking punches without grudges, without anger, without hostility. Fighting with a smile on your face.

I really haven't thrown a punch in my life. Sure I've been hit when I was a child. But I was never punched. I have been punched on the face by a hold-upper just a few months back. It was not the "solid" punch though that I've been really curious of.

They say when you experience too much pain, you eventually get numb. When you experience pain repeatedly, it becomes euphoric to the point of being addicting. What a freakin' high!

I must've picked this up with my fascination on the movie "Fight Club" which stars Edward Norton, Brad Pitt and Helena Bonham-Carter. I've even asked some people if they knew "clubs" like the one portrayed in the film. Minus the schizophrenic head honcho, of course.

When I was a little kid, I had this set of gloves and I had a boxing match with a distant relative. He punched hard man. And I was such a frail, "lampa" kid. Man I cried for hours. I was such a wimp.

I guess I also want to prove that I'm no longer that sissy boy. I'm sure I've already proven that... even without throwing punches.

Life is a boxing match. It's not whether you win or lose the battle. It's learning how to avoid punches and accept them. It's knowing your opponent's moves. It's keeping on throwing punches until you're knocked out of your consciousness. It's a hug to accept not defeat but just a draw. It's keeping your bloodied head unbowed. Every game is a learning experience. Accept defeat but always expect a rematch.

---------------------------------------------------

Speaking of boxing...

A brOdder and I were having a beer one serene afternoon somewhere in Makati. Then out of the freakin' blue he said, "Dude, weird... pero ngayon ko lang na-realize... Cute pala si Pacqiuao!"

WDF?! I laughed my brains out after a few seconds of trying to let the thought sink in. And he was freakin' serious.

Dude, up to this moment, I'm still confused and dazed. I still can't see it. Pacquiao? Seriously?

Love ya, bro. Peace!

UNTITLED

2005-03-10T15:45:00.000+08:00

You might be wondering why you’ve received mail from me. I won’t beat around the bush. I’m choosing not to continue my relationship with you.

I’m sorry I’m not man enough to tell you personally. I know you’ll hate me for breaking up with you this way. I’d hate to see you cry for me. See now, I’m not worth it. I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship and I guess it’s not really a surprise that I’m doing this. Both of us know that our relationship has turned cold and it’s not working for us. We are two very different people with very different interests, ideals and principles coming from two very different environments. It just wouldn’t work. I honestly could not picture us being together in the future. We just don’t fit. You very well know what I’m talking about. I guess one of us would want out eventually.

I know it’s a cliché but I’ll tell you anyway: It’s not you; it’s me. Trust me when I say that you’ll thank me for doing this. It’s for the best. I do not deserve your love. You’ll find someone else who does, who’ll give as much love as you can give which I unfortunately could not.

I’ve loved you, Jen. I still do. Sometimes, love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Sometimes, cures can be found to revive it. But not this time.

It kills me to know that you’ll be hurt but I’ve chosen to end this before I hurt you even more than I already have. Cry if you must but never shed a tear for me for I am not worth one drop. Cry instead for what we had and the love we shared. At the end of the day let it be an experience. You’ll be wiser; you’ll love more. You’ll find someone deserving of your love.

I hope your dad's operation goes well. Take care of your mom. Be a good sister. Congratulations for graduating. Thank you for your love. I am sorry for hurting you.

Thank you. I’m sorry. Goodbye. I love you.

SONTAG

2005-03-07T14:54:00.000+08:00

Sunday did not go quite the way I planned it to.

Saturday night. I was all-alone in the office when Yul and I talked over the phone. I was still pissed off about his antics last Friday and the conversation went to me breaking up with him (again). I felt tired, exhausted, drained. I’ve been considering my relationship with Yul and quite frankly, I told him, it just wouldn’t work for me with his ongoing mistrust and jealousy. So right then and there, I decided to call it quits.

But that didn’t go as planned either.

Yul pleaded for another chance. He promised to become more trusting and open up a little more. He did, by the way. He told me of his family pressuring him to leave for the states and end our relationship. But he really wants to stay with me. He wants to live with me. And by the sound of his voice, covered by his sobs, I could hear, no, feel his sincerity.

I love the guy. I’ve been making plans with him. And I really do want him to live with me.

So I gave it another try. Love is sweeter the nth time around.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t spend Sunday with him. My father is in the hospital and I was supposed to look after him. I could tell that he’s becoming more disappointed by the minute. He bought food that we could eat that Sunday. He was so psyched up about being with me because we’ve been spending Sundays together since we got together. He just wouldn’t know what to do on a Sunday without me.

But I really ought to spend the day with my dad. I told him I’d go to his place on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday after work. Just so we could spend some time together and eat the food he bought.
It was already late when I left the office to go to Quattro for Nate’s birthday celebration. Yul went to Malate with Edgar. He told me he’d pick me up before I go home. The party’s over and still no sign of Yul.

Edgar told me through SMS that Yul had been drinking a lot and was becoming uncontrollable. So off I went to Manila to pick him up instead. And there he was pissed drunk. There are no words to describe his state that night. The best that I can think of is it was "a Maalaala Mo Kaya performance deserving of a Famas." Hey he’s REALLY drunk so I take it’s for real. "Iiwan mo lang ako e," he said repeatedly.

When I finally calmed him a bit, I almost dragged him jeepney after jeepney to Bulacan. It took us forever and a bucketful of puke to get to his place. I stripped him of his clothes and put him in clean ones and tidied him with a towel just like in television when the loving daughter in her duster takes care of the drunkard father. I believe he cried his way to sleep with me holding him close to my body.

We got up at noon Sunday. Kisses for breakfast. Sex for dessert.

We ended up spending the whole Sunday together still. That afternoon we went to Edgar’s place to get the food which he bought: Collete’s buko pie and other stuff you’d probably be offered on a bus. Then we went to have dinner with Vanessa and Edgar. After that we went to see my father. All night Yul was with me, through TB ward until I boarded the bus home.

Sunday didn’t go the way I planned it to. But I’m thankful.

HURRICANE

2005-03-05T13:32:00.000+08:00

I’ve promised to keep my blogposts light but I guess my life is just too sucky.

I’m here in the office waiting for the bottling operations and I’m left with nothing to do but contemplate and uncomplicate. Funny how people recognize the storm when there is calm. But that is exactly what I need right now – calm to finally tame the raging storm.

I’ve made work a lame excuse to not see Jen this weekend. Well, I do have work and I have to stay late. I do have the Sunday off, though. But I choose not to spend it with Jen.

My relationship with Jen has become more and more… blah. It lacks excitement, intimacy and interest. Our weekend dates have become mere routine. We eat. We talk. We watch a movie if we have time. We part ways. It’s like that every week. No passion, no enthusiasm.

Jen has always been the "safe" girl. She doesn’t try new food. She doesn’t watch unconventional movies. She’s not outdoorsy. She’s afraid of taking chances. I guess she’s used to being the good girl that she is.

I want to kiss her so badly. All we do is peck. A peck on the cheeks, a peck on the lips. I give her hints when we kiss: I stare at her. My lips stay a millisecond longer every time we kiss. But she’s not into it. I’m not even asking for sex or even to feel her up. Although I’d love to do that, I respect her. I don’t want her to do something she’s not ready for.

Meeting Jen also is torture knowing that I’ve been cheating on her. Last week she told me that she had a dream that she saw me with someone else. That just tore my heart. Every single day it haunts me – how unfair I am to her… and how much I couldn’t leave Yul.

I’m not going out with Yul this Sunday either. For the nth time, we have a fight. This weekend, I will have none of it. None of his uncalled for remarks about my friends. None of his ridiculous jealousy and mistrust.

This Sunday, I would also have no one beside me when I sleep. No coffee with my breakfast. No toothpaste on my toothbrush. No afternoon sex. No cuddling and kissing. No one to watch "The Buzz" with.

My relationship with Yul has been the weirdest so far. There are times when I love him to pieces but there are times when I hate him to the guts. It’s an emotional roller coaster with him. It’s just draining. We’ve only been together two months and it feels like two years.

In a few months I’d probably be sent to work elsewhere. I’ve asked Yul to come with me. He probably would. But I’ve been asking myself if I could have a lasting relationship with him. Not one week did we not fight with each other. And then there’s the fear of history repeating itself.

I really have to make a decision soon. Hopefully the Sunday calm would give me the much-needed help. It’s not the calm after the storm yet. It’s just the eye.

BIRTHDAY

2005-03-04T12:44:00.000+08:00

It's been a year! Yahoo! I never thought it would last this long but hey, we're keeping it strong.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!

I hope you like your new look.

What the fuck?! Am I fuckin' crazy? I'm talkin' to a fuckin blog. I gotta get some rest. Better yet, booze. I miss beer. I miss gettin' drunk. If only life's problems just pass like a bad hangover. Thank you, blog, for keeping me sane. There I go again. I've gone nuts. Oh brother!

CRYSTAL HAZE

2005-02-23T11:37:00.000+08:00

I tried to break up with Yul last Saturday. We were fighting (again?) over someone I’m texting. I was screaming at him in the middle of the street and yet he maintained that same argument that I was defending the guy. Finally when we were in the carinderia I just gave up. In front of his face, without even blinking, I called it quits.

He told me he wouldn’t even cry when we break up. But he did. Never have I seen him so vulnerable, so torn. He was begging me to stay. But I’ve made up my mind.

Then he did the one thing that I’ve been waiting for him to do all this time. He opened up. Still crying, he told me what I really mean to him, of how much he loves me, of how much he needs me. No longer did he wear the mask that hides his emotions, his weaknesses, his love. We talked… finally.

After that, I reclaimed my "resignation". I love him even more now – not because of his weakness; but because he wanted my love to be his strength. Truly, everything has become crystal clear. I love the guy. He loves me.

CUPID IS A DEMON

2005-02-17T13:35:00.000+08:00

Valentine's day was such a fuckin' mess!

My Valentine's date with Jen was okay. Not really that romantic but it was okay. Besides, I wasn't really planning to put so much hype on Valentine's. It's an overrated "holiday" for lovers that fuckin' capitalists abuse. We just watched "The Phantom of the Opera" and then we parted ways.

I was supposed to spend the whole weekend and Valentine's day with Yul. I gave my word that I wouldn't be making other plans. (Un)fortunately, Jen had the weekend off so I figured we should be going out. Afterall, it was Valentine's day and it was our 8th month together on the 13th. Yul, however, took this as an insult. He wasn't answering any of my calls or messages.

Although I was already puking drunk after going out with some brodders (I didn't go to an ex's bash just to please Yul. I've got to do something and just forget how frustrated I was, right?), I still went all the way up to Bulacan and go to his place. And what did I get? He never talked to me. The whole fuckin' Sunday I spent trying to ask for his forgiveness. Come Monday, I've had it. I left for work without even looking at him. I was so angry and disgusted.

All day I was thinking, it's over. But I didn't want to just end it... I wanted to hurt him.

I tried to contact my fuck buddy to no avail. Then a thought struck me. I know someone who goes to orgies.

I was travelling along Ayala when the bus exploded. Around that time Yul was asking where I was. I never answered. The whole way to the orgy place I was thinking about him, of how much I wanted to hurt him.

It was over at 11pm. We were six in the room. I don't even remember their names. I didn't even really enjoy it. It was just... done.

The next day Yul and I talked about our fight. The problem with him is he never talks. He just gets mad and it's a guessing game from then on. But I love the guy. We settled our differences and we're at peace. My conscience, however, wasn't.

I told him about what I did. I succeeded. I hurt him really bad. And it ricocheted.

How the fuck could I have done what I did?! Anger was not an excuse. I'm so fuckin' ashamed of myself. Why do I instinctively inadvertently(?) hurt the people I love?

Yul was hurt. But he accepted what happened. It doesn't mean that it's okay but he still wants me. Now I have to live with the burden of knowing that I've hurt him. Now I have to carry the burden of knowing that I've cheated on the person I'm cheating with. How fucked up is that? Fuck Cupid!

BREWERY

2005-02-11T13:55:00.000+08:00

Welcome to my brewery!

Saka ko na aayusin nang husto. It really didn't change much. But if there's something that you want to be changed or added just give a comment or two. (Alam ko mali-mali pa rin yung links sa ibang blogs. Just let me know.)

Patulong na rin sa color scheme na akma sa theme. I've nothing to blog about yet. At least I'm not in the mood yet.

Petix lang ako ngayon sa office. Thank God. Makakain na nga.

CONFESSIONS PART II

2005-02-07T16:30:00.000+08:00

Okay so I’ve been a bad bad boy. Right now I’m in a relationship with Yul – an ex of two good friends. I’m cheating on my girlfriend with a man. Joms has his blood boiling. I’m such a fucking idiot.
I do love Jen. I do love Yul. Not on the same level, I must say. Sometimes, I love one more than the other and one tends to be the one I wish to be with. Is anyone of them dispensable? I don’t think so. I love to love them. I love to hate them.

Both disappoint me seriously sometimes. But I guess I’m disappointing myself the most.

Karma, don’t strike yet. I guess you will when I least expect it.

BRIGHT BEER

2005-02-07T16:10:00.000+08:00

I must confess that I was pissed off for being dumped by GSK. (By the way, they did call me for the final interview. But I confidently declined for a damn good reason.) But I’m happy as hell now since I’ve been working for more than a month now at San Miguel Beer Division as a Microbiologist for Quality Assurance. Right now I’m still training for the Micro competency. Soon enough I’d be transferred to the Beer Analysis section. I’m not really excited about that part since I’m no chemist. (I’m no microbiologist either!) Hopefully, after regularization, I’ll be sent to another plant. Davao and Bacolod sound nice. Although Pampanga isn’t bad either.

Anyway, things around here are just fine. Great facilities, great people (except for my fucking lazy attendant), the smell of beer in the air! Since it’s just a few kilometers from home, I bought a bicycle and now I just ride it to and fro. Tipid na may exercise ka pa! It’s a good 45-minute average-velocity ride. Keeps my heart pumping.

Unfortunately, although beer is ridiculously everywhere here, free beer only comes as part of the Christmas gift package. Bummer.

There’s a lot of work to be done most of the time, but I never tire of it. I love everything about it. Minimal slack off, working with hands, I get to wear a hard hat, nerdy, OC-requiring, beer. Perfect.

CONFESSIONS PART I

2005-02-07T16:00:00.001+08:00

Okay so last year wasn’t the smoothest year I’ve ever had. But I must say it made my life a bit more interesting. Glendel, Patrick, Topz, Philip and Joseph, and Jen – not a very short list. But I must confess I’ve been involved in sexual encounters in between relationships. That may not come as surprising, I know. What probably bothers me is the fact that I’ve been engaging sexually with a few guys while I’m in a relationship with Jen. That’s something that I wouldn’t even think of doing three years ago. I’ve been stained… badly.

There’s no turning back now. It’s a downward spiral.

DEAR BLOG

2005-02-07T15:50:00.000+08:00

Sheesh! Hiatus another! I missed you, my dear blog! You look so tired and neglected. I’m so sorry. I truly am. You have no idea how much I’ve been thinking of you. I had so much to tell you. It’s been quite a while but I do know that you will never abandon me. You’re always there to listen to me and keep your mouth shut.

By the way, I would like to congratulate you for being awarded in the Odder awards last December for being the most controversial blog. Ummm… Perhaps this year we could lessen the controversy. Ummm… however, if that’s the case, we might be in some sort of trouble. Hopefully, in the coming months we could do something about that.

Before I forget, you’re almost a year old! Am so happy for you! I can’t believe we’ve lasted this long. You’re officially the longest relationship I’ve ever had.

I love you.

SAN MIG BOY

2004-12-09T13:30:00.000+08:00

It was Tuesday when I received the phone call. I was taking in calls on my usual shift when my phone started vibrating and I saw SMC’s number on the screen. Panic! I didn’t even press Break on my screen. It was the HR personnel and he told me I passed the interview and he invited me for the job offer. I was shaking all over after that call and I was ecstatic! I did it!

Then came the job offer. The compensation and benefits package was OK – better than any normal job and of course lower than in a call center. But hey, microbiologist! That’s the job description. And it’s for probationary employment! Not bad, eh? And I’ll be working for a kick-ass corporation.

I don’t wanna spoil the fun but it ain’t IT yet. I still have to undergo physical examinations. Hopefully, everything goes well.

I don’t like physical exams. Right now I’m waiting for the clock to strike 1 so I could proceed with the exam. I could be having lunch with Vane right now. Unfortunately, I had to cancel. Not only that, I had to force myself to produce shit. And I’ve been carrying my crap for hours now I’m afraid it’s gonna stink up my bag. Earlier, I had to force myself to pee into a bottle and accidentally peed on my hand. Can’t they just use a lie detector test and ask if I’d ever used drugs?

I’ve got a feeling this is just the start of everything. I could only imagine doctors putting a finger up my ass, hands grabbing my balls. God I hope my doctor’s cute! But I might get an erection! How embarrassing that would be!
Last night I was fantasizing about getting a sexy male doctor to do my physical exam. The I’d get a hard-on. And hunky doctor would say, "What do we have here? I need a sperm sample." And then I would tease him and say, "My hands are a little tired. I might need some help."

Snap back to reality. I’m sleepy as hell! Is it 1 yet?!

FREAL

2004-11-26T17:00:00.000+08:00

I was in the office when I received that dreadful text message. It was Glendel. He said Nate had just had a seizure and they were on their way to the hospital.

Nate is one of my best friends. He's this sweet guy with a hearty laugh, gym buff, doesn't smoke, does not drink a lot. Hell, his 30 and it doesn't even show! Then why the hell did this happen?!

Based on the stories, Nate was shaking like like a fish out of the water with matching bubbles coming out of the mouth! Scary thought. I was extremely worried for this bloke. Not only was I shocked, I was afraid, afraid that I'd lose a dear friend. I was thinking, "Don't die on us, Nate. Don't die." The thought of having such a dear friend leaving just like that without warning... you just can't be ready for that, not for anything like that.

Results from the CT scan and MRI show nothing. Nothing. I think this is scarier. What if it happens again? What will happen then?

I just hope that little incident was the last one.

GSK-O 'DAY!

2004-11-26T03:00:00.000+08:00

Two weeks ago I had the fifth interview for a medical representative position at GSK. They said they'd call about the results and would tell if I've actually been recommended for the final interview. They never called.

I was disappointed. I was expecting too much out of that but unfortunately it was not meant to be.

I could think of a million reasons why they didn't choose me. It could be the accent, my not-so-formal attire during the interview, my answers, my smile, my hair, my face, my hands. But to think about the reason without really knowing would be useless and foolish. Is it really that important?

The thing is I could also think of a million reasons why they should have hired me.

So allow me to be bitter.

Their loss, not mine.

HB

2004-11-15T13:30:00.000+08:00

Hellboy? Nah. High Blood! As of late, my blood ressure's at an all time high. 150/80 was the last reading before I left the house. I've been experiencing pain on my nape, been very dizzy, very sleepy; my eyes are failing me I'm seeing blurs. I was even asked to go home from work last Thursday.

I really need to work out and watch my diet. Goodbye sisig. Goodbye coffee. Goodbye yosi. Goodbye beer... ok so maybe not beer. But I'm giving up an awful lot. Hay! You can't really have all the good stuff and expect to live so long. But hey, there's a lot more to life which one can enjoy without being a ticking timebomb. One just needs to be creative.

How about sports? Hmm... I'm not really sporty. And it's a bit embarassing to start learning a sport at my age. Working out would be interesting. As long as I stick to the program. Note to self: Working out for a month only is not something to be proud of. I can't wait to have those washboard abs and those bulging arms and chests! Haha!

Books! Oh have I got a long list! Just so long as I'm not blind as a bat. I'm a slow reader though...

Going out of town? A bit costly but this would be a nice hobby. If only I have travelling companions... Jen's not really the "rural" person. I don't claim to be but I enjoy the "country". (Fuck the Americans and their "country"!)

Write? Well that could work out. But hey I'm not really a good writer. But I enjoy doing it. So this would be absolutely doable.

Singing? Give it up, Marvin! You're not that good of a singer!

Sex? Sheesh! You've been celibate 4 months! And you plan to make it a hobby?! Ok so probably I could change that to masturbation.

Videos? I've actually a long list of movies to watch. This probably isn't a bad idea but it will make my butt huge. They say you spend more calories sleeping than you do watching TV. How aboput when you read? Is it the same as watching TV?

Internet? I don't know why but I suddenly lost the appetite to surf the web or even check my email, moreso, chat. Probably when there's something interesting to look for in the web, I'd face that damn old PC again.

Handicraft? I've been thinkin' of making furniture which would be useful for my pad which I would soon have hopefully. This takes time though, especially because I have no knowledge in this area. I know how to saw, paint, use the hammer, but that's about it. I don't know the rules of construction. I'm still looking for a how-to book on this.

Plans, plans, plans. That's all I have. I hope they don't stay like that and become unrealized.

BUENA MANO

2004-11-15T11:30:00.000+08:00

Ha! I just bought a fuckin' swank notebook! A notebook with no purpose at all but to just take it all - my thoughts, frustrations, secrets, rants, anything. Best of all it doesn't complain! I won't be burdened by the thought of my notebook telling on me. Perfect!

It has actually been a while since I've written intimate words on a piece of paper. It has something to do with a very bad experience, no, several fuckin' bad experiences I had with my sisters. They just have no fuckin' respect for privacy. This time around, this notebook will be just mine... all mine! Hahaha!

I'm sittin' here at Starbucks Shang, waiting for my girlfriend. And I'm just ecstatic! I don't know why but the thought of having this notebook is overwhelming. I even bought a nice pen to go with it.

I bought a few other things - another book, another CD. I don't like buying stuff. It's because I realize just how many more I'd have to buy! For example, the book. I'm about to finish "The Witching Hour". And I have these already in my shelf: "Lasher", "Taltos", "Merrick", "Blood and Gold", "Blackwood Farm". Next on my list would be "Blood Canticle", a mythology book (I'm still looking for the best paperback on this.), "Like Water for Chocolate" (Did I get the title right?), "Love in the Time of Cholera", "Diary" by Chuck Palahniuk. I'd like to read others but I'll decide on what to read next after I've finished all those that I already decided to read.

And then we go to the CD! I just bought Mraz's first album. Then I realize I've got a whole bunch of must-haves! Coldplay's 2 albums, Matchbox's 3 albums, Daniel Bedingfield, Craig David, Joss Stone, David Gray's "White Ladder", E-heads originals. Aaaargh! The list goes on! I still haven't seen a "White Ladder" album anywhere. Could anybody please help me! I'll give anyone a kiss for this! It's a good thing Radio City has these cool CDs which are just P280! I've seen Lauryn's "Miseducation", Oasis albums! Five for Fightin's first album!

Then I realize what other things I need to buy. Like a pair of shoes, a membership to the gym, presents for Christmas. Haay!

Uy! Just saw Drew Arellano inside Starbucks! Hahaha! I could only imagine Doc Rommel's reaction if he were here.

Goin back... I remember another reason why I don't really write on paper... my handwriting sucks! Oh well... that's another technique to make my notebook cryptic! Sheesh! Now I don't know how to stop. I've got so much to write about.

Who am I writin' for anyway? Myself? I don't think I'd even read back. People who read my blog? I don't even know if such people exist. But I do appreciate people and friends passing by. Always makes me smile. Makes me guilty, too, knowing I don't visit their blogs. I don't think I'm writin to be read actually. I just want to express. Just like when I sing at the top of my lungs in my room, or draw something, or dance in front of the mirror. I just want to express, feel that I'm alive and living.

BLOOD AND GOLD

2004-10-29T15:30:00.000+08:00

What is it with the Chinese?! I have nothing against them really but when some fucked up tradition gets in my way, it's a different story. Jen was scolded yet again because of the fact that we're seeing each other. See now her father is a pure Chinese and does not want her seeing someone without Chinese blood. I may look Chinese but unfortunately I'm not. Apparently this is to protect the family jewels, so I've heard.

I guess it will take a lot longer time before I get to be acknowledged as "the boyfriend". Sheesh! Can't I get a fucking normal relationship?!

BYE

2004-10-26T11:00:00.000+08:00

Our client pulled out a week ago and everyone was devastated. We were doing really well and it was unexpected. Everyone was assigned to different programs just so they wouldn't have to let go of employees. Everyone felt the inevitable of loss.

It's really heartbreaking to know that you'd have to part ways with people you've built relationships with. It's not only losing a colleague. It's losing a friend, a companion, a member of the family. Heartbreaking is an understatement. Disheartening is more appropriate.

But all through life we'd been through this. People come and go. Even those you have the closest relationships with would go. It's not a matter of choice but of circumstance. But have we been numb to it all? Have we been so used to it that it's effect dwindles with the number of instances we've experienced it?

Isn't loss too much to be considered just part of it all? We seem to accept, but surely we don't. To be numb to the grief brought about by loss would be inhuman, inhumane even. Hell, animals grieve!

But isn't it torture? Isn't it torture to know that loss will eventually come and you have to suck it up? Loss is too much. Loss is torture. Loss is beautiful chaos, a vital part of what the Vampire Lestat calls the Savage Garden.

ISLE OF MAN

2004-10-26T10:30:00.000+08:00

Monday last week, Jen and I were supposed to have a date. We haven't seen each other then for 2 weeks. I was already on my way when she informed me that she had to be somewhere else. "Okay," I told myself. "It must have been important." I figured I'd just ask some friends to go out with me.

Topz was the first logical choice. I was already in Manila and I know he'd just got off from class. Besides, I haven't seen the bloke for months. Much to my dismay, although I'm not really surprised, he wasn't available. This guy just keeps on disappointing me.

"Nate and Sonny would probably be available," I thought. I was disappointed.

I ended up watching a movie alone at Megamall, just so the day wouldn't be considered a waste.

Normally, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But it was. I was mourning and sad. I needed to have people around me. Just so I could vent out or probably divert and project. Instead, I found myself sulking inside a dark, cold moviehouse. It was one of the loneliest days of my life.

It's a lesson. Now I do realize that I do need people, that I am and will always be a "victim" of that old cliche "No man is an island." I'm not invincible.

I would've cried. I didn't. I couldn't.

Funny. I often find my right eye watery. And sometimes a tear would stream down my cheek without my knowledge.

EULOGY

2004-10-26T10:00:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry. Thank you. Goodbye. I love you.

I'm so sorry for having neglected you. I've done it to protect my vulnerability and hide my fear of being close to someone I'll inevitably lose. I'm so sorry for making excuses just so I wouldn't spend time taking care of you at the hospital. I'm so sorry for not seeing you as you lay on your bed staring at the ceiling. I'm sorry for ceasing to pass by and reach for your hand and draw it to my forehead. I'm so sorry for being an ingrate. I'm sorry if I disappointed you in any way. It was immature and irresponsible. I never meant to hurt you.

Thank you for always being there, for giving guidance and advice. Thank you for the two pesos I'd ask of you for merienda everyday when I was a kid. Thank you for watching MacGuyver with my sisters and I. Thank you for the good genes. Thank you for the tears of joy when I graduated. Thank you for everything you've done for the family.

Goodbye. You will never be forgotten. I still remember that summer when you took me with you. It was raining like hell and you left me all alone in the house. But you came back and hushed my crying. I will always have an image of you playing Tetris in front of the house. I will always remember those brown slippers I'd always give you whenever you went home from work. I will always remember the hairdo we both had when I was a kid. You lived a good life.

I love you, lolo.

Lolo, I'm sorry. Lolo, thank you. Lolo, goodbye. Lolo, I love you.

DIANA'S CHILD

2004-10-12T07:30:00.000+08:00

Today is petix day for the program. Apparently, there's something wrong with the tools they need for the program. Thank God! A break from making calls!

Anyway, I've been searching for jobs in the papers last weekend and it was very depressing. There weren't really any jobs for my chosen field. My list of job opportunities ranges from quality control personnel to medical representative. I'll also try applying for a medical transcription job. As far as I'm concerned the most attractive jobs that I found were those for medical representative for GlaxoSmithKline and for quality assurance personnel for Purefoods-Hormel. They are good companies. Although the jobs would actually suck, I've long resigned myself to the idea that I will never ever find a job that I would actually enjoy doing - well of course I most definitely would appreciate receiving a blow job, but that's not the topic.

I'm desperate. I just want to get out of this hellhole before my braincells die. This isn't human interaction at all. They might as well record our voices for every goddamn rebuttal there is. I want out.

Of course, I wouldn't resign without a job that is surely there to catch me. I can't afford moonlighting either. So, I need to be very careful as to how I go about this. Hopefully things would turn out just fine. Wish me luck, fellas.

MORPHEUS

2004-10-05T01:45:00.000+08:00

After pushing myself to go to work despite feeling like crap, I've finally made it to the first day of another quatter, which means I can start making those three absences allotted for each quarter. And start using them I did. Such bliss! I had the longest uninterrupted sleep in a month! So right now I'm feeling a whole lot better. It's about fucking time!

Speaking of sleep, it's been very difficult to get a decent sleep lately. All I've been having are fucking catnaps. I'd probably sleep for two hours and then try to get back to sleep for thirty minutes only to wake up two hours later. Now I have eyebags. I know it sounds a bit maarte but the thing is I've never had eyebags after sleeping, and I still have them! I don't have normal eyebags. I don't have those drooping bags you usually see. Mine are just lines that make me look like I'm wearing mascara which, by the way, makes me look even more Japanese. The horror!

I do not know exactly how I got this long catnaps during regular sleep. However, I do have the habit of making "short" catnaps (redundant). My bestfriend calls me "Masa" - masandal lang tulog, Whenever I'd take a ride at any vehicle, 75% of the time, I'd be sleeping. I remember waking up with huge bumps on my head. Apparently, I'd been hitting my head all over the jeepney. It doesn't stop there. Here in the office I'd sleep whenever I have the opportunity to do so, and I'm not just talking about the 15-minute breaks. I'd sleep between calls. When the interval between calls is more than a minute, I'd close my eyes and just listen to the phone and when someone says "hello", I'd deliver my spiel. It's really automatic. If you try to wake me up and say hello I'd offer you telephone service.

O well, so much for this blog entry. I already am sleepy... one hour and fifteen minutes left. Konti na lang!

BIG LITTLE

2004-09-29T03:00:00.000+08:00

An hour left before off, here I am taking in calls, 4 sales for the day (yahoo!), 1 more sale to reach the quota with 2 days left (yahoo another!). Too bad I'm not feeling well. I've got the flu and unfortunately I have used up all the allowable absences for the quarter. Not reporting to work yet another time would mean termination. Plus, this week is a critical work week. Talk about timing. So it's me, my Starbucks mug, my tissue, and my jacket, shivering at my workstation.

There's a certain oddness in the way that I'm feeling right now, one minute I'd feel very cold, I'd wear 2 jackets. After a few minutes, I'd be perspiring all over. It's not the kind of perspiration you'd get out of moving a lot. It's more of a thin film that makes you feel sticky all over. Very uncomfortable. Add to that the feeling of being thirsty eventhough I'd consumed a lot, and I mean a lot. It must be because I had to urinate every 30 minutes or so. What bothers me the most are the muscle aches. It's like having your muscles electrocuted the way they do in one of those home tv shopping channels.

Enough of the things that have been bothering me. I have a few wonderful things to rave about.

Jen and I are okay now after a little fight. Naglalambing lang daw.

On my way to work, all I saw was yellow. Everything was yellow. It's like one of those flashbacks you see in films. Everything had an eerie glow. It's as if I've traveled to the past for just a few minutes, and I've suddenly lost all worries. It was beautiful.

When night came, the moon was amazing. It was golden, full, and huge. It's one of those moons lovers choose as witness when they profess their love to each other. Ang corny! Hehehe.

Topz gave me a call the other night, after almost 5 months of not hearing from each other. He's still the same old happy him. Makulit pa rin kumbaga. I was smiling the whole time that we were talking over the phone. I almost forgot how much I missed this bloke. I hope to see him real soon.

Jen gave me this Starbucks tumbler which you can personalize. I had an art attack last weekend and I drew a dragon just so it would complement the name of the program I'm in. The thing is, the _expression on the dragon's face is hilarious. It's supposed to have a fierce look on it but it turned out to look like it has seen a ghost or something. It's as if it's having a heart attack.

I've finished reading "Memnoch, the Devil" at long last. After stopping for weeks in between chapters, I've finally done it! Now I'm reading the next book, "The Vampire Armand". This book is so gay! Hahaha. It's amazing how these images come out of Anne Rice's mind. May titi ba sya? Kaiba.

Well those are the few little big things that keep me going as of late. Little indeed but a big deal to me. Life. When it gets so complicated, you end up looking at the smallest simplest things.

RESURRECTION

2004-09-23T01:00:00.000+08:00

I'm back, baby! It's about goddamn time! How long has it been anyway? Problem is my modem's down and I don't have the luxury of time to go out of the house just to post a blog entry or even check my email. I don't even know how to start this fucking blog entry because I can't think straight since right now i'm actually taking in calls in the office. Having said that, let me start off with the work situation.

I fucking hate this job! Outbound is not really for me. I don't like the fact that I can't defend myself when I talk to an asshole of a customer and beg my ass off for one fucking sale. What pisses me more is that there are people who would scam their way to make sales. It disgusts me. I wanted to transfer to quality assurance but they didn't let me. In a nutshell, work sucks. I'm still planning on transfering to QA next month. I'll probably stay with the company until December or January.

Wait a minute... If I remember correctly, the last time I made a blog entry, I was just courting Jen. Well, she's my girlfriend now. (I can see eyebrows raising now.) Right now though, we don't see much of each other. They transferred my girlfriend to another department because of poor performance. Now she's just quit the job and is now working for DTI. We just go out to watch a movie or eat somewhere. The whole work situation is not helping at all. Sometimes, I just sleep in the office and wait for her to be available. It sucks. I used to sit next to her at work and work seemed easy. I miss her.

The last time my girlfriend and I went out was on my birthday last saturday. Eventhough I was tired as hell we went out after my shift and just had lunch. I was dragging myself home. Lucky for me, I have to wake up 5 hours later for the Quattro Odders contingent. The lack of sleep was all worth it! I had a blast! (Thanks for everytone who went. Kahit na hindi nyo alam birthday ko pala.) There were a couple of things that I'd like to point out.

Someone who said he'd be there wasn't there.
Someone came plus one. Good for you guys.
Tito Den drunk a mug of beer just because it's my birthday. Kudos to you!
All but one Odder whom I had sex with were there.
I think one person gave me something with the intention of insulting me.
Papu was shedding a lot of skin. It made me think of Goldmember.
God, I love beer!
Carlo was still funny as hell.
A lot of people were wearing glasses without grade.
I haven't celebrated my birthday since the 7th. I'm so happy I did this.
I think I was asking people to sleep with me. Pasensya na po sa tigang.

This blog entry is trash - unorganized and blah. It's not easy doing this while working and talking to these fucking customers. The first call I made today said "Fuck off!". Buena mano ang puta! Anyway, I don't have anything else to write. Amboring ng buhay ko, shit! Until the next blog entry. Hopefully that wouldn't take long.

U-TURN

2004-07-05T14:11:00.000+08:00

I am courting Jen Tan. Yes you read that one right. I am courting a woman again. To me it's the most logical thing to do right now. I am lonely and I need someone. Jen is the best person that I could think of. She's sweet, fun, beautiful, smart, independent. And we look good together! I genuinely like her. She'd been my crush since work started. I feel as if it was high school all over again.

But wait a minute... Am I not gay? Yes and so what! I still appreciate men. I still look at the next pretty face I see. But I have given up on my gay life (for the second time?!). I have come to the conclusion that I suck at gay relationships. The best relationship I had with gay men is that with my friends. I just want a real relationship. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't able to find it.

Am I kiddin' myself? Of course not! And I refuse to be ridiculed. This is a huge thing for me. I had to leave a life I've been practicing for two years now. That's roughly 10% of my life!

I am not leaving my brodders though. They are my friends and it wouldn't be right if I'd shut them out. I love my brodders and that would never change.

To my brodders, I hope you'll support me in this. Perhaps this is where I could finally be happy with someone.

TRUCE

2004-06-28T14:08:00.000+08:00

Last Monday, Joseph, Phil and I met to straighten things out. Joseph was smug. He felt as if he was right all along. But he was so wrong. I didn't want to fight. I wanted to straighten things out.

Apparently, there were a few things that I told Ivan that struck a nerve. Apparently, I wanted to bring Phil along to meet up with Ivan for a threesome. What the fuck?! I told him I wanted to bring friends to meet up with Ivan. I wanted to bring Nathan and Sonny because I didn't want to meet this Ivan alone. And sex wasn't even part of the agenda! I just wanted to meet this guy! Geez!

Apparently, I told Ivan that since Joseph is getting jealous, it's gonna be the end of the relationship. Right and wrong. Yes, I said that. But I was refering to my involvement in the relationship. I wanted out. I never even thought of claiming Phil for myself!

I could sense that Joseph still wanted to believe what he wanted to believe in. I, on the other hand, completely understand. He told me he was sorry. I apologized, too, for causing so much trouble. I just wish Joseph's apology wasn't fake.

Jealousy... tsktsktsk...

IVAN

2004-06-21T13:45:00.000+08:00

Thursday after work, I was riding a bus when I received a call from an anonymous number. It was a he, a certain Ivan. He told me he got my number from a guy in Bed. Naturally, I was freaked out. Who would give out my number to a complete stranger?! I figured that it wasn't his fault so there's no reason why I should shrug him off. So I entertained his call despite being tired from work. He even called again and woke me in the middle of my sleep! "Okay... This guy really needs someone to talk to," I told myself. So we talked for about an hour and he asked me to meet up last Friday. I guess there's nothing wrong with that. I told Phil that I wouldn't be able to make it to his place early on Friday because I have dinner with a friend.

Come Friday night I was waiting in the restaurant. I gave Ivan a call and apparently we misunderstood each other. So the dinner was cancelled and I just went to Phil's place. Joseph was not there. Bummer... no sex.

Come morning when I was about to go home, Phil showed me a text message. It was a message for Ivan sent by me! I asked him if I sent the message to him by mistake. I didn't. Phil got the message from Joseph's phone last Thursday.

It's not rocket science. Apparently, Ivan was a plant. Joseph wanted to show Phil that I'm not the person I claimed to be. I was enraged. I sent Ivan and Joseph a message telling them how pissed I am for being manipulated. Ivan replied with a death threat. Apparently, he was this rich kid who had been kidnapped three times. He told me he'd kill everyone around me. He knows my phone number, my email, where I work, what time I go to work. He knows enough.

Phil and I were just there in the room talking about what happened. It was clear. I had to go leave the relationship. I was an unwelcome guest. I told Phil to straighten things out with Joseph and tell him to deal with this Ivan.

Last night at work, my mind was all over the place. I couldn't concentrate. What have I gotten myself into?

INVITATION

2004-06-07T09:28:00.000+08:00

Last Friday, Jhen and I went to Phillip's place. Joseph was there too. And just like what I do every weekend, we all got ourselves drunk. Jen and Phillip were already asleep. Joseph, who barely drinks, was surprisingly still awake. Although he admitted that he was really drunk, he told me that he still knew what he was doing. So Joseph and I had a chat. Joseph told me that he was really jealous when I joined them last week. He reconciled to the fact that I was someone that is really hard to compete with. With that, he offered an invitation. He wanted me to join them in a three-way realationship!

These all came to me in a shock. First of all, was there a competition at all? He told me I was smart, attractive, funny, and a whole lot. And I was someone that he wouldn't dare compete with. That's really flattering and all but I wasn't competing. The same things he told me that I was are the same things that probably made me drawn to both of them. It wasn't a pissing contest for Phillip's attention. He has it for the past two and a half years now for crying out loud! Isn't love a big plus?

Second, what the fuck is a three-way relationship?! I mean will it ever work? Being together with just two people is hard enough! And you'll invite another person in?! If ever I agreed, wouldn't it be awkward to introduce them to your friends and say: "Guys, these are Phillip and Joseph - my boyfriend-S." It's weird really. Very.

But I am not going to be a hypocrite and say that I am not considering accepting the proposal. After all, I'm not really uptight when it comes to possibilities. If it's possible then why the hell not try it? It doesn't really matter how ridiculous it seem; what matters if it can actually be done. If indeed it can be done, wouldn't that be something? To mix three people together and try to get along and maintain decency in something that seems to be far from even being close to being decent: that's indeed something.

I don't know. I'm probably making another stupid decision; I know I've made quite a lot. But I have not once regretted any of those fucking stupid decisions. Rest assured this wouldn't be any different. So I'm planning to accept the proposal... partially. I wouldn't consider myself a partner just yet. It's more of like dating them both as a couple... "Couple", that's a word that wouldn't be applicable this time.

By the way, we had sex again the morning after that after Jhen left. Pleasure really increases as inhibition decreases.

PUNCH

2004-06-07T09:26:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I had the first solid punch of my life.

It was noon when I left work and I was already in the last jeepney that I had to take. Divisoria was just as you'd expect it on a rainy Sunday noon - just the right amount of people but still a lot crowded. I was seated at the corner closest to the driver. The jeepney was still half empty when two extremely jologs youth wearing clothes that could pass as rags suddenly went in and sat in front and beside me. I was cornered. The guy sitting beside me was asking for my cellphone. I told them I don't have any. Then they were asking for my bag instead. I didn't let go of it. I was playing tug-off-war with a hold-upper using my 3000-peso Jansport bag. My cellphone, my wallet, my headset and all the papers I need for work were inside my bag. The guy in front of me started pulling out his balisong and was cussing at me. By this time all the people in the jeepney were getting off. The guy with the knife shouted at them, "Hindi naman kayo e! Sya lang!" I still refused to give my bag.

The poor guy probably got frustrated because time wasn't on their side. He let go of the bag and gave me a good one on the right cheek. Both nabbers got off immediately. I was fixing my jaw after that because it hurt like hell. My cheek was bleeding inside my mouth. The passengers went back in. After looking at me, some got off again immediately saying, "Sya yun e. Yan yung mama!" For crying out loud! I was just nabbed and punched in the face and now I look like a criminal?! Lucky for them I still had my composure and I was too worried about my face. (Hahah! How vain can I get?!)

I didn't report the incident to the police. Sure I was angry at first and I really wanted to give that guy a good one right on the nose. BUt it wasn't worth my time. I was too tired coming from a 12-hour shift; I only made one sale in two freaking days; I was too busy making myself happy that day and forget that I'm not doing well (Although this was expected of us, I'm not someone who would settle for that.) Pity took over me. I pitied them. Then I realized how really lucky I am: I'm smart; I went to school; I'm not poor; I'm raised well (enough). I just let it go. Afterall, they didn't take anything from me. Aside from poise maybe.

But if my cheek swells or gets bruised! All hell will break loose! Of all the parts of the body, why did he have to hit the face! Naman!

STILL

2004-05-31T01:57:00.000+08:00

Do you still read this?

It has come to my attention that you still do, or at least you did. I do not know how you felt when you read my post. Honestly, I'd like to know. Were you mad? Were you hurt? Were you happy? Or you couldn't care less?

I'm not gonna lie and tell you that I didn't think of you when I wrote that. I wanted you to read that. I must say though that I have mixed reasons. I wanted you to know that I'm carrying on. I wanted you to know that I'm mad at you and somehow if I hurt you in anyway, I'd feel better. But I don't feel any better. I feel horrible. I'm so sorry.

If it still means anything to you, I want you to know this. I still think about you. Everyday. I still miss you. I still feel bad when I do. I still dream about you and that someday I'd hold you again, give you a kiss and just see that smile I just love seeing. Still, I love you.

MARGO

2004-05-31T01:56:00.000+08:00

Margo is this really hot trainer who everyone thinks is flirting with me. And I think she is. And of course I fan the flames and flirt back. My teammates keep on telling me that I turn red whenever she'd look straight at me and say with a smile, "Great job, Marvin." All the while I was thinking I had a poker face!

Anyway, it was almost "pao hana" (end of work) and we didn't know what time we should be reporting to work on Monday. Pao (Of all the names!), our SOIC, told Margo with that playful smile that she should get one of the trainees' number so she could just send an SMS in case there are changes in the schedule. "Go on Margo, ask for the number!" he said. Dan, one of my teammates, offered to give her number. It seemed though that Margo didn't hear her. Instead, she asked for my number very casually. I was smiling all the way out of the office.

I just love working!

LAZARUS

2004-05-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

That was a long hiatus from blogging! I missed blogging so much! Hehehe. I've been very busy lately with work, which is, by the way, being very kind to me; thank you very much. My officemates are a fun bunch and I think everyone likes me, at least that's what I think. There are these two gorgeous ladies in the group: Dei and Jen - very pretty and attractive. "Nakakatibo." They are even pairing me up with Jen! (/me blushes all over)

The shift is actually very conducive to sleep, starting at 3pm and ending at midnight. But this bunch is just wide awake until the end of shift - much to the amazement of the trainers. Well the trainers have been very kind to us and have so far been very fun to be with. Agnes, a schoolmate from high school, was our American geography and culture and comm trainer. She's very good. Bobby, Chelo and Jayson were our customer handling trainers. Bobby is this rocker dude with the coolest aura, very fun to be with. He has a very nice voice and a hug-me-I'm-a-bear smile. Rommel would have liked him. Chelo is this sweet lady with the amazingly sweet but energetic voice and attitude. She has a great sense of style and a laugh that is just contagious. Match that with her favorite expression: "Awesome!" Jayson is this guy who everyone thinks is gay and gorgeous. He's really goodlooking. I'd kiss him if I see him in Bed. Hehehe. Winnie is our current trainer for sales foundation. Winnie is, to me, the sexiest of all the trainers. He has these piercing eyes, a very sweet smile and sexy balding locks. Hot! Hehehe. He's quite a bore actually compared to the other trainers but he shares a lot of tips - high substance, bad delivery. He's cute nonetheless.

Hopefully by Thursday we'll be transferred to Makati for client-specific training. We will be handling a new client, which is a good thing since we will become the pioneers and promotion is just a few months away. Harhar! Ka-ching! Ka-ching!

JHEN & PHIL & JOSEPH

2004-05-22T23:48:00.000+08:00

Jhen was the first person to know about my sexuality. We were talking about relationships when she asked me why I was single. "Are you bi?" she asked. I said no. "Gay?" I gave a nod. Since then we are almost inseparable. She'd tag me along during breaks and just smoke a cig or two outside. She'd cook for us and bring viand for our dinner! She cooks heaven! I never thought I'd ever be full in the office! Jhen is the sweetest "mommy" and the kikay-est "babaeng bakla". She's 27 and proud to be a mother to a 6-year old. Way to go!

Anyway, Jhen introduced me to her bestfriend, Philip. Jhen, another officemate and I went to his pad for a drinking session a week ago. Philip is actually very cute... and very attached. He's been with Joseph for two and a half years now. But Joseph's not around. Come morning, hang over rising, libido at its peak, we had sex. It's been a while since I had the chance of touching another person's body... and be touched myself. It was exhilirating. I was all smiles on the way home.

Yesterday, day off! Jhen, another officemate and I went to Philip's pad for another drinking spree. This time Joseph was there. Come morning, less hang over this time, libido is at its peak. Jhen already went home. Our officemate chose to stay to get some sleep. With her right beside us, the three of us had sex. Joseph is actually equally cute and very, I mean VERY, beefed up. Great pecs, huge strong arms, tight butt, broad shoulders, hair at the right places... He's one sexy dude! We worked on each other like raving mad dogs, exchanging kisses and breathing heavily as our tongues slide down each other's throats. Joseph was then attacked by myself and Philip, licking and nibbling a nipple each. He was the first to come. Then I found myself having one of the best blowjobs I've ever had from Joseph. Philip was concentrating on my nipples. I grabbed my dick and started stroking it as Joseph and Philip took turns kissing me. I was victim number 2. It was Philip's turn. I went down on him and licked his balls like a cat giving someone else a bath. With all the tension building up, Jospeh and I could tell that he was about to come. And come he did. Knowing how much of a comer Philip is, Joseph and I drew our heads back to prevent getting come on our faces. Two minutes later, my officemate woke up.

Quite an experience I must say... Take two? Hell yeah!

VOTE

2004-05-10T15:50:00.000+08:00

I thought my name was already erased from the list of voters for not voting for two straight elections. But hey my name is still in the list. So off to the voting precint I went. My vote went to GMA for president. I would have voted for Roco if I saw any chance that he'd win. De Castro was my vice. I'm not really solid with this vote but I guess a person of the masses would be a good vote. For senators I only had 9, I think: Biazon, Gordon, Roxas, Alvarez, Hernandez, Pimentel, Yasay... I forgot the others. Hehe. I didn't even have a list. For party list, it's Akbayan. For the local candidates, I voted for Sandoval for Congressman. I left the rest blank.

That was my first time to vote. I must admit that it gave me a good feeling, being able to exercise my right and be part of the society that I grew up in and have come to love. Honest!

I hate the mess the indelible ink makes. Ampangit tingnan e.(Arte!)

Another set of votes were cast today. The Survivor All-Stars has finally come to an end. The winner: Amber Brkich. She played well. Hats off to her. Boston Rob played well too. But hey there can only be one millionaire. Plus he got himself a hot fiance. AND he's hot himself. :D Me and my Latino fantasies.

A lot of feelings were hurt throughout the game. Would I have done the same things Mariano did? Yes. Because it's a game. That's all it was. A damn good one I must say. Wala pa ba sa Pilipinas nito at nang makasali ako?!

PITSTOP

2004-05-08T17:55:00.000+08:00

I have finally signed a contract. I'll be working for eTelecare starting this Tuesday. Unfortunately, I'd be making outbound calls to sell stuff. I am sooo gonna hate this job. But what the heck, my only objective is to earn money. So I might as well be good at what I do.

So much for a vacation...

MOTHERS' DAY

2004-05-08T15:54:00.000+08:00

I gave my mother flowers last night. It was her birthday yesterday plus today is Mothers' Day. It's been a while since I gave her anything. It's been too long I don't even remember when that was. I can tell she liked the flowers. They weren't even expensive; but she liked them. Tears fell down her cheeks.

I'm such a mama's boy.

DEATH LOOMS ETERNAL

2004-05-02T21:54:00.000+08:00

Case 1. Age: 5-10 years

Our neighbor died this week. He was just a kid, a friend of my cousins. He was brought to the hospital just last week because of a lump they mistook as lumps from mumps. It happened to be a tumor. So young, he's just starting to have an ambition.

Case 2. Age: 40-50 years

He was a member of the army. I think he was in for an operation. I really don't know how he died. I just heard loud crying at the corridor. When the crying stopped, I overheard people saying that he was a good man, a good father, a good husband. He was still very young.

Case 3. Age 75-80 years

I just got home from the hospital. My grandfather is scheduled to be operated on for his hernia. After that, he will be operated on for his enlarged prostate. He's really old and weak. I'm afraid he won't make it through so much trauma.

Seeing so much death around me makes me think about mine. When? Where? How? I guess the more important question is "what?" - what would I want to leave behind? I'd like to live and leave a life without regrets. But that is such a long shot, I already have a lot. "Why?" I think need not be asked. There's no special reason why we die unless you're a sacrificial lamb. We just cease to exist.

GOOD MOSLEM, HEARTBROKEN

2004-05-01T21:53:00.000+08:00

Suharto dropped by our house this afternoon and we just talked for about 2 hours. I learned that he was somewhat popular in his barangay. He is young, intelligent, religious. He'd walk miles to the mosque and would lead the prayer, with the immam's blessing of course. He even buried the dead once. He's being offered wives. Newborns were named after him. He's Marawi's holy youth!

You're probably wondering why he left Marawi. Well, it's because he doesn't want to get married this soon. He's just 22. And being the catch that he is, his parents would have probably arranged his married. He had a girlfried. Unfortunately, she was given to someone else. "I want my gal back," he'd tell me. And I'd just share his long face.

I was wondering if this lessened his faith in his religion and its traditions. "I bet you cry a lot," I told him. He answered, "I never cried alone; My God was always with me when I cried."

DESPERATE

2004-05-01T12:52:00.000+08:00

I tried to kiss Kampao last night. And I'm not talking about a friendly kiss here; I'm talking about THE kiss. But Kampao would always break it off. He'd tell me that he understood that I was thinking about Topz... which is right. I'd imagine myself kissing him like I used to. It was the same when I was kissing this bald guy from last week.

I am so sorry for using you like that, Kampao. I hope you forgive me.

This isn't the smartest thing to do. Everytime a kiss ended, I'd realize that it wasn't Topz that I've been kissing. And the sadness grows even more and eats me from within.

Topz, I miss you. I'm glad things are working out great between you two.

PREPARED

2004-05-01T12:51:00.000+08:00

Last night I was confused. Having learned that Pao and Topz were going to Bed gave me a shock that I wasn't prepared for. Not knowing how to handle the situation of possibly seeing them together, I turned my frustration to Topz. Honestly, I was mad at him for not telling me he'd be with Pao that night. And when he told me he thought it was okay, it struck a nerve. Was it ok? So I figured I'd find out for myself and went to Bed like I planned to do. Call it masochistic or what-have-you, I wanted to see him having fun with Pao, just so I know he's in good hands, that he's better off without me.

Unfortunately they already left when I got in.

Until now I haven't figured out how I should have felt? What if I saw them without warning?

I was never a good boy scout.

SMORGASBORD

2004-05-01T12:44:00.000+08:00

I just came from the Annual Convention of the Philippine Society of Microbiologists at the Heritage Hotel. It was a three-day affair where supposedly the biggest names in the field get to meet. Well we were there and we... just ate. It was insane. We actually went there only when it was time to eat and present our entries in the convention. Heck I paid a grand and a half for that! Hehehe. Besides, spare us the research crap for now. I mean we've been listening our heads off for four fucking years! It's been a while since the last time I adjusted my belt for some room for a growing... stomach! :D

SUHARTO

2004-04-28T20:29:00.000+08:00

I just got hired. The first company I applied to and I got the job. It's a call center, though - something that I'm not really giddy about. But what the heck! At least I have a job waiting for me. I have about a month to find something better.

Anyway, I met a new friend just this Monday. His name is Suharto. He was one of the applicants in the call center but he didn't make it; it's probably because he's more comfortable using Brit accent.

This guy is quite a character. He grew up in Marawi city and is a traditional Moslem. He even has a small carpet for prayer. He knows Arabic, Bahasa, Malay, Spanish, a bit of French, a bit of Aramaic, a bit of Thai, a bit of Japanese, a bit of Chinese, a bit of Hindi, a bit of Lebanese! Sheesh! And he told me he just studied them because he's interested in languages.

Anyway, this guy is very friendly. First day we've met and he already added me to his Friendster list! Second day, after learning he didn't make it, I felt bad for him. I was really looking forward to working with him 'cause, you know, it's easier to work when you already know someone. I could tell he wasn't happy being eliminated. He is actually very good in English, I should say. Too bad. He said he wanted to grab something to eat. So we went to Ayala to eat shawarma. He even paid for it!

We agreed on hunting for jobs together sometime. So he asked for my number. In my mind I was saying "Is this guy hitting on me?!" But of course traditional Moslems condemn homosexuality so I was pretty resigned that he wasn't making a move on me.

So last night I chatted with him through YM and I just had the urge to tell him that I am gay. Thing is I really want to befriend this guy and I could tell that he's a real genuine person. Plus it will be good to have a straight friend that I can hang out with when I work. And I was also concerned that, if ever we do become friends, he might find out about my sexuality and he might feel betrayed. So I told him. He couldn't believe it. As in really. And I'm not exaggerating. I told him that I wasn't kidding and that what he saw is what I am. He asked if he could call; I agreed.

He was laughing on the phone when I said hello. He thought it was a joke. I convinced him more. He told me that he was "nanghihinayang." I'm attractive, smart, friendly, Diether Ocampo, he told me. I was really flattered. That coming from a straight guy? That's something.

We talked about gay men and his perceptions towards them. Pretty much he's the traditional Moslem. There were things that I needed to clear up about what he heard about gay men. It turned out OK in the end.

Then we talked about the culture in Marawi. Did you know that Moslem men hold hands? They make "beso," too. And they are really selfless when it comes to their friends. I was really amazed by all this. This IS brotherhood - without inhibition, without malice. Just pure brotherly love. I can't help but think about my brodders. Have we reached that same level of brotherhood?

Fortunately, he's open-minded. But he's not liberal, he clarified. So he told me that he doesn't mind my being gay and that he would like to be my friend. That made me happy. A new friend! Straight even! This guy amazes me. I feel it; he's gonna be the brother I never had.

I won't let him hold my hand though. That would be freaky.

Suharto's teaching me Arabic. In exchange, I'm teaching him German. So here are four words I've learned so far:

Shukran. (Thank you.)
Malesh. (You're welcome.)
Aiwa. (Yes.)
La. (No.)

PRIDE

2004-04-26T02:00:00.000+08:00

I am disappointed. Yesterday was supposedly a milestone in my life but it seems my family isn't proud of me. Happy. That's what they are. They are happy because of relief, because there is one less mouth to feed. None of them told me they are proud of me. None.

No one woke me up and greeted me that morning. No prepared breakfast. Just cassava my mother bought from the market (Sunday is cassava day.) My grandmother came in from her house. She was the first of two family members who actually said "Congratulations!" Then she told me to hear mass that day. My mother replied, "Di na nga nagsisimba yan, e! Gago." I hit rock bottom right then and there. This is my graduation day! And I'm treated like this. I was not at all excited about going to the university yesterday. But I had no choice. Heck, I'm proud of myself. I should be marching! By 8:30 I was off to school for the Graduation Brunch alone. Nobody called a cab for me.

Graduation brunch made me smile, made me prouder of what I have accomplished. Looking back to the four years I spent in UP, I have to say it was not easy. And I am proud to have accomplished so much with the least supervision and the least encouragement. Standing there in front of cameras flashing, I felt like a star.

Graduation proper. My bestfriend, Kris, was there. (Thanks a mil, best! I love you!) That made me happy. She was with me from the first year of college. I wouldn't have been what I am today if it weren't for her. She'll always be an important part of my life.

I didn't pay for my pictures to be taken. I think I was the only person who didn't. I actually wanted to but I wanted my parents to come ask me. My mother did, twice. My father didn't. I was waiting for him. I didn't want my pictures to be taken if only my mother and I wanted it. Sure enough, I was the only person who didn't stop during the procession or on my way up the stage to have his picture taken.

When it was my turn to grab that "diploma", I was mighty proud. I owned that stage for a few seconds. People clapped at me, above average for someone with no honors. It's good to know people. :) My professors were there to shake our hands. Such bliss! Finally! I wore a great big proud smile. I am so proud of myself.

There was nothing special about the guest speaker. He was an IT big name in a College of Science graduation! He bored the heck out of us. But what I remember about him was that he made all the graduates stand and look at our parents and friends. I saw my mother from afar, crying. I was moved. Maybe my mother at least was proud of me. I put my palms together by my chest as if in prayer, and graciously bowed to her. This was for me the most intimate and respectful salutation in the world. I was almost in tears when I sat down. My mother was the most hands-on on guiding me among anyone in the family. Her ways may not be the best but her intentions are good and appreciated. I love you, nanay.

After the ceremonies, I was already outside when I decided to personally congratulate Patrick. I hurried back into the building and found him on the stage getting his pictures taken. I shook his hand and gave him a hug. He is a special person to me and I'm mighty proud of him. Break a leg, Patrick! Galingan mo!

We went home in a cab with Kris. I knew my happiness wouldn't last that long. We were discussing honors. Disheartening... By the time I got home, I was dead tired - physically and emotionally. They wanted to take pictures all of a sudden. Aha! For my sister abroad! These guys... they keep on doing the best things! So I donned my barong and sablay once again just for the pictures. It's a good thing there's a solo shot. I'll keep that.

Buti naman nagpa-ice cream naman sila.

I may be sounding like the biggest ingrate. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful. I just wish they made me feel that they share my pride. O well...

Sa lahat ng bumati, salamat salamat! Danke shoen!

Topz, thanks for calling. I needed that. It means so much to me. I love you. By the way, I used the hanky you gave me.

I WILL BE LOVED

2004-04-24T12:00:00.000+08:00

Last night was goodbye yet again. But I was particularly saddest this time among all the times we tried to say goodbye to each other. I guess pain is directly proportional to time. It gets more painful each time, more unbearable, more weakening. Tears welled up on my eyes that night. Trust me, they are rivers. I tried to hide it with a smile, but judging from Kampai's reaction, I wasn't all that good in keeping my sadness.

I know you love me. I most definitely hope you know that I love you. That to me is just to hard to stop holding on to. I do not know what it is that I should do when I know that you're really gone. I'll still hope for that day when he'll change his mind again and realize that he made a mistake. I'll be waiting. When I've waited for so long, I'll be tired. When I have enough, I'll stop hoping. But I'll never ever stop loving you. By then I will have to look forward to that day when I do get over you. And hope that somehow, pain will be inversely proportional to time.

Twenty-one and oh so young
I have some trouble with myself
You were always there to help me
But you belong to someone else

I rode for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for me, boy, I have a broken smile
Ask me if I want to stay awhile
And I will be loved
I will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
Make me feel you love me too
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
Look for me, boy, I have a broken smile
I'll ask you if you want to stay awhile
And you will be loved
You will be loved
And I will be loved
And you will be loved

You know where I hide
Alone in my head
Know all of the things that make me who I am
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Come back and beg me to catch you every time you fall

Tap on my window knock on my door
Make me feel you love me too
I will be loved (repeated)

Please don't try so hard to say good bye.

- modified from Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved"

EINS

2004-04-23T08:30:00.000+08:00

No word can describe what happened last night... I wish it never ended. Thank you.

SONY LIFE

2004-04-22T10:01:00.000+08:00

Last Wednesday I received a call from Sony Life, inviting me to attend their "Career Orientation Program" yesterday at the PBCom tower. We were only four there, all from UP. My blockmate, May, was there too. There was a surprise 2.5-minute math quiz too! I didn't even bring a pen! No biggie. Then came the 2-hour long discussion...

I have to say I was kinda impressed by the insurance company because of the way they screen their agents - lifeplanners, they call them. Insurance sales has never been as scientific as what Sony Life does. Plus their best agent earns 100,000php a month. Exag! And he's just 21!

They gave us a week to think about subjecting ourselves to the next stage of the screening process. I will not continue, although I should say the money is really enticing. But my market is not that big at all. Although I know a lot of people, I don't think even a quarter of them would want an insurance premium. Puro bakla pa naman kakilala ko, as if may mga dependents sila. Joke!

DECISION

2004-04-21T10:46:00.000+08:00

I've decided. I'll take any job for the time being. I figured I won't be finding any de(s)cent job fit for my field any time soon. So I might as well be working while looking for that job.

Kahit ano na talaga papatusin ko. Basta disente naman. Any recommendations, anyone?

PRESSURE BUILDING

2004-04-19T19:57:00.000+08:00

It's irritating. Apparently, my job hunting has become permanent dinner table conversation. No matter how many times that I tell them that I already have it planned, they wouldn't stop. They even told me that as long as I haven't found a job yet, this will continue... Ho hum...

This is gonna be a looong summer...

INDUCTION

2004-04-19T03:20:00.000+08:00

I just got home from the UP Pre-Medical Society's Induction Ball. So I'm officially a member. I know some of the members are questioning my intentions for joining the org since I'm already graduating. They think I just joined just to put something on my resume. My reasons are actually personal. I want to become a doctor and help people. Participating in the org's free clinic at Quezon province was the closest I've gotten so far. And during that time I kept on saying to myself that this is what I want, this is why I joined the org. Having that feeling of fulfillment was just uplifting. And I have PMS to thank for that. I will continue to be active as much as I can in the activities of the org. And hopefully I would convince those who doubt my intentions, that I am more than what they think I am.

Induction Ball proper. I was late again, by the way. (May bago ba?) I had to photocopy programmes for the event. Thank you very much, Mr. Diaz, for letting me in to your office and use your copier. You're a life saver! Energized with the sight of Topz, I hurried to Makati Sports Club. Less than twenty people were there, much to my disappointment. I wouldn't blame them. Current issues in the org are a bit... umm... disheartening. Nevertheless, the show must go on. Everyone was looking mighty dressed up for the occassion. Everyone looked nice (special mention, Karen Simbulan... hottie!) ... including myself, of course. Hahaha. A lot of the gals were telling me how gwapo I looked. Hahaha. I even won the award for "The Bright Balloon Award" for the most "pleasing" guy that night. Shucks! Really?! Now I know Topz wasn't pulling my leg when he said I looked good. (/me blushes) Wala lang. Nakakapanibago. I rarely get that compliment.

After the event, I had coffee with a few of the guys at Starbucks Delta. Y3oj was there nga pala. Hi y3oj! :D 'Had a few laughs until it was time for them to go to Gerold's place for a drinking spree. I chose to stay and finish my coffee and went home.

I was wondering if I would get nabbed or something because I looked very "holdap"-friendly. I was pretty pumped up by the Kenya blend. (I still prefer Sumatra. Hello, John Rae! :D) I was preparing my moves if ever someone would try to nab me. Fortunately, that didn't happen. So I'm here in front of the pc, alive and blogging. (Parang disappointed pa ako a!)

MISSED

2004-04-18T13:09:00.000+08:00

I hate missing contingents. It leaves me feeling left out. Thinking of all the fun I would have had makes me sad as hell.

Last night's contingent would have to be at the top of my miss list. Quattro was the venue - where we all started. After a long time of having gimmicks somewhere else, last night was a Quattro contingent.

Quattro will never be replaced. It will always have a space in the hearts of most of the Odders, myself included. I have so many memories from that place. The bamboo pole, the bibingka, the sisig, the macho mug, the waiters, the company of my friends.

Two years have passed and we still keep on coming back to Quattro. Two years ago, we could fit in a table for four to six people, last night they almost reached 30. Two years and so much have changed, and yet so little.

Missing a contingent makes me think about my relationship with the Odders. Was I missed? Did they look for me? If I had a functioning phone, would they have at least texted me or called me? I don't know...

I don't know how many more contingents I would be missing for the next few weeks. I better find a job soon.

I miss the guys.

NAVIGATOR

2004-04-16T22:55:00.000+08:00

I've always been fascinated by maps. I don't know why but one of the books that I have opened a lot and pay a lot of attention to is an atlas. I remember when I was a kid I had this world atlas and I would look for this and that country, this and that mountain, this and that river, etc. I can easily draw how the continents look on a map. I have mastered Asia for some reason.

I also had a starmap once. I remember going out of the house on a clear night, carrying the starmap. I was looking straight up to the skies and then down to the map, figuring out where this and that constellation is. People were staring at me.

Fast forward to high school. I remember staying on the rooftop of my ex-gf's condo building. I was teaching her how to recognize the constellations. This is not easy, actually. Two person's at different positions see the same sky, right? But if one person points at a star, for example, the other person will be looking at a different thing. So you have to either have the same pointing angle at all axes (how nerdy is this?!) or you should have the same line of sight, thus pointing with the same hand (Think "A Beautiful Mind"... "Aaaa..." O di ba sweet?) Being the "torpe" that I am, we did the first one. Bummer.

Fast forward to now. I was assigned to give out invitations to our org's induction ball to alumni/ae. Armed only with the addresses, I learned that this is not an easy task. So I bought an atlas of the whole metro! Hehehe. I felt like a kid opening a gift on Christmas eve! "A2 Citiatlas" is the best Metro Manila atlas there is. I got to places I never even know existed without getting lost once. I love this book. Totally recommended! (Magre-recommend lang ng libro, atlas pa. Hahaha!)

Wala lang. Na-amaze lang ako. This would be very handy when I go looking for a job... and when I'm driving... and when I join "The Amazing Race"... and when I look for a place to build my statue on...

CHICO BOY

2004-04-15T12:17:00.000+08:00

Arrive at Monumento and wake up the sleeping Paowikan who thinks he is in Cubao. He was wasted as usual, half-asleep. He even greeted someone thinking it's Topz. This guy would have found himself waking up at some obscure place (again, for the nth time) have I not told him to crash at my place.

Arrive at the house and make guest comfortable. Kampai is just the fourth person since elementary that I have brought to our place. I'm not really used to having guests around. It's probably because there was nothing to do at home, no space to stay in privacy, and not to mention very far.

Surf the net for Paowikan's mushy stories; listen to music you both like. I'm actually surprised Kampao listens to Maxwell and David Gray, too. Listen to him reminisce about the time when Hanibani and Boobear were together. Kinikilig pa ang loko! Hahaha.

Squeeze to fit on a pull-out mattress and try to sleep.

Wake up to the smell of chico. Listen to Pao talk about Hanibani and Boobear doing it. Ang aga-aga! Hehehe.

Bring the Paowikan to his ride. Wala nang almusal-almusal. Hahaha. No wonder I don't have guests. I'm a terrible host!

It's a pleasure having you as a guest. Kampai! Galingan mo!

THIS YEARS LOVE
David Gray

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last

SEEN

2004-04-13T21:16:00.000+08:00

We were less than 3 meters from each other. I was on the far left side of the bus; he was standing at the curb, staring directly at me. Staring. Trying to find the slightest sign of recognition. My heart was pounding, I looked down, pretending to use my fone. I could feel it, Pao's piercing stare. The bus moved.

I was already home when Topz called. I was in for a shocker.

"It's him, right? That's Marvin."

Pao did recognize me. He even knows I live in Navotas.

So your boyfriend just told you that he was seeing someone else. You asked for his name; your boyfriend gave it in full. What do you do? Add the bitch to your Friendster list!

Topz told him that I was just a friend from high school that he just bumped into in the bus. Pao must have bought it. He said he was just being paranoid. He must have had second thoughts about what he saw. I had longer hair in my Friendster pic.

I don't know how to feel. Relieved? Guilty?

Topz decided that we should just be friends. I hope this time it works out. Or do I? I must admit I feel hurt. But I had it coming anyway.

PUBLISHING

2004-04-11T10:25:00.000+08:00

Why, oh, why is it so hard to publish my blog? Is there anything wrong with Blogger? Do I have to transfer this bloody blog again?! I just made a new layout! Come on you friggin' useless piece of cyber crap!

Easter na easter pinaiinit ang ulo ko!

OTHER

2004-04-10T22:53:00.000+08:00

When does being the "other guy" start?

Does it start with going out on dates? With a kiss? With sex? With the acknowledgement of feelings for each other?

Have I been the "other guy"?

Probably yes. No matter how hard it is to swallow, I have been the "other guy". Kerida. Kabit. Third party. Home wrecker.

I should be hated, condemned, ostracized. I am the enemy. But I am all too human. I feel. I love.

It's not my intention to be a "problem". It's not my intention to give in to what I feel.

It's not as if I feel no remorse for what I do. Each day my mind fucks with me, telling me to stop this madness. Each day I try to put myself in the "original's" shoes. And I know I'd be hurt; I'd feel betrayed; I'd curse the "other guy".

It's not as if I don't feel hurt. Each time I realize he's not completely mine; he's not even a bit mine in the first place. It hurts to know that he is out on a date with the "original", kissing him, making love to him, loving him... much more than he could ever love me.

In the end, when it comes down to choosing between the "original" and the "other guy", it will always be the former. The "other guy" is dispensable, expendable. The "other guy" would have to live with it; no regrets. And he would have to hope that somehow he hadn't lost his face.

DO YOU BELIEVE?

2004-04-09T16:57:00.000+08:00

I am an agnostic, bordering on atheist. I do have a "god". My "god" created the universe, no, he started the creation of the universe, the source of tremendous energy, matter and anti-matter. After that, he ceased to exist and left the universe to develop on its own. Everything after that is pure coincidence.

I don't believe in religion. I believe that religion was created because of man's insecurity and insufficient knowledge. He didn't have answers to questions as to where things came from and how things were so he implicated divinity. He wanted to control nature so he asked the favor of the gods. He was frustrated by the fact that life ends so he made up the promis of life after death. He wanted to be part of something big, something greater.

I do believe that Christ existed, and so did Muhammed and all the prominent religious figures. They were great men, revolutionaries. Gods and prophets? I do not think so.

I believe that the Bible and the Kur'an are pieces of literature woven into history. Nothing divine.

I do not believe in the soul. We die, we become worm food. We are broken down to basic molecules and released into the environment.

I do not believe in salvation. There is no soul to save. My philosophy is to just be good as long as you live. Live life to the fullest without the expense of your neighbor. Well, a little won't hurt.

These are my beliefs. But it doesn't mean that I have no respect whatsoever to what others believe in. I do not force people to believe in what I believe in; just as much as I don't want others to force their beliefs on me. Respect is what I give. Respect is what I ask.

M8

2004-04-08T14:07:00.000+08:00

Our block name is M8. We started at around 30+ students and now we are graduating at around 25+. Four years we've been together, seeing each other's faces everyday, and yet I do not feel like I have made important connections with these people save for a few. I don't know but from the very start I do not feel like these people are the type that I would want to hang out with. So I didn't. Will I miss them? Some.

Vanessa. She's my high school classmate. Very charming girl. Always there to listen to me when I have something to say. Masarap kabiruan. May bigote pa rin hanggang ngayon. She's always the one to keep me updated about the chismis going around. If the chismis happens to be about me, she'll tell me as soon as possible. 'Has bisexual tendencies. Hahahaha. I just told her recently about my sexuality. Kakampi ko ito. Love ya, Vane!

Nestor. If Vanessa's my faghag, Nestor's the fagstag. Hahahaha. My yosi and drinking buddy, kaasaran, kasama sa kalokohan, labrep provider. One of the few people from the block whom I had the chance to be profound with. Mamimis ko tong lokong to. Definitely someone I'll hang out with from time to time. Galingan mo sa med school ha!

Anton. The first ever blockmate to know about my sexuality. Then he told me that he too is gay. Since then we've been swapping stories about our gay lives. We even fucked the same guy! My reaction: "Eww! Parang ikaw na rin ang naka-sex ko!" Mamimis ko yung kanyang blue pajero at ang kanyang wreckless driving. Oist! Malate tayo minsan! Dadalawin kita minsan sa Albert.

Aileen. This girl is such a doll. Very sweet and sincere. Tells me secrets. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. But I do keep her secrets well. That's probably why she keeps 'em coming. Also knows the truth about my sexuality. Masarap din asarin. Mahilig hulihin kung may hickey ako. Very very sweet girl. Mahilig magsuot ng mga nakakaiskandalong damit pero hidni nya sadya. Galingan mo rin sa med. Don't worry, you'll learn how to love it.

Sino pa ba? Wala na e. Yun lang. I don't even hang out that much with the guys mentioned above. But I'll definitely miss them. They are the reason why I somehow enjoy staying in Albert Hall. Kudos to you guys! I'm gonna miss you.

PREPARING FOR THE END

2004-04-07T18:32:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I passed the hard-bound copies of my thesis manuscript. After months and months of hardwork, after being locked inside the laboratory, after countless failed experiments, after endless exposures to carcinogenic, corrosive and acidic compounds, after nearly living in the laboratory, thesis has finally come to an end... which means it's graduation for me na talaga! Wala nang urungan ito!

What to do before the big day? Pay all fees! Sheesh! I have to pay three more fees to be cleared. Let's see... there's the grad pic fee, the yearbook fee and payment for the gloves I ordered back then. On a lighter note, it's time to buy me some clothes! The barong, I'll just borrow. It's impractical to buy one just for a single occassion. I don't know, I just don't feel like buying one. Perhaps if I'm already working and I have to attend all these Filipiniana-only gatherings, I might buy one. For the pants, I'm gonna look for something with a good satin feel to it, something flowing. I'm not really a fan of cotton black pants. For the undershirt, camiso chino doesn't look bad at all, very regal and professional, at least on my opinion. Now with the shoes I don't really know. I'll have to ask the resident fashionista on the color and style. I'm looking for something that I can use to work and, of course, not school-shoes-y. Of course I'll have to buy socks. For the hanky, I have a special hanky to use. Di ba? ;)

I really am against putting make-up on me, even powder. I just look so unnatural (pun unintended) with make-up on. I'll ask the guys na lang. I'm gonna use the good boy style for my hair. I don't wanna go wearing a mohawk and have people looking at me. As for accessories... all I have is silver. Will that be any good?

You may think that I'm overpreparing for graduation day but, trust me, it's not me. The whole clan is. They keep on asking me when graduation day is (btw, it's April 25), if I already have something to wear, etc. These questions will then be taken to another level: "May trabaho ka na ba?" Come to think of it, I haven't given out resumes yet. Good luck na lang sa akin.

DIAS PAREJAS

2004-04-05T22:24:00.000+08:00

Today, I woke up with you in my thoughts. There was the urge to not get up at all thinking that maybe the next time I wake up I'd have something else to think about. Just as much as I know you're not there with me, I know that wouldn't have happened. I would have woken up with twice as much disappointment, twice as much pain, missing you twice as much.

Today, I looked at the mirror and there they were, like two red eyes staring back at me, reminding me of that last night I spent with you. Twas the last night I had the chance to hold you locked in my arms as tight as I can, the last night I'd hold you so close I could smell you, no, breathe you. It was the last night I held you by your neck and kissed you, the last night I felt your lips, your tongue, your chest heaving against mine, your saliva flowing down my throat. It was the last night I had the chance to feel us become one.

I never cleared my throat the same way again. Coz everytime I did I ended up doing it the way you do it - like an armalite set in automatic. I never said "what?" again the way I used to. Coz everytime I did, I saw you do an impression of it in my mind.

I smelled your perfume today. I saw you smile today. I heard your voice today. I felt your kiss today. I felt your love today. I missed you today.

Today is tomorrow is yesterday is today.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

2004-04-05T22:22:00.000+08:00

I watched The Passion of the Christ today. I have to say that it was a great movie. Pure human emotion. It was the same old story but the movie has successfully delivered it in a refreshingly new manner.

A lot of people were crying. I wouldn't blame them. The scenes were just heart wrenching. Not enough to make me cry though. But there were moments where I almost cried. Potah, ansakit sa lalamunan! In chronological order: Peter denying Jesus, Mary crying while Jesus was being scourged, Mary running to Jesus, Mary kissing Jesus' feet. I particularly like Magdalene's flashback scene. Jesus writing on the sand, Magdalene reaching for Jesus' feet... Asteeg!

I say that the movie was delivered in such a way that it does not pursuade, the way it really should be. I like it even more because without doing any effort at all, the movie made me question my beliefs for the nth time. Now I'm having doubts if I really am an athiest. Maybe I'm just arrogant. I don't know.

DIVERSION (?)

2004-04-04T21:33:00.001+08:00

I saw this Ryan at Bed last night. Very dreamy. Mahal ko na sya.

Who am I kiddin? We all know who I love.

You, I hope you're doing just fine. I'll be checking up on you, ok? You know how to reach me. If you need anything, I'll always be here. I'll come running to your aid.

You'll always be special to me. Take care. Be happy. No regrets.

ITAY

2004-04-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

Itay Marvin celebrated his **th birthday. Last Saturday was a surprise celebration for him. I'm really glad he's happy that night. He deserved it. Always the dependable itay who'll listen and give advice. Definitely someone I'll always come back to and pay a visit. Labs ya Itay. Hinay hinay sa trabaho. Next time inuman ulit tayo. :)

...

2004-04-04T21:31:00.000+08:00

Twas Sunday. My blockmates and I went to Valle Verde Country Club to hang out and unwind. Some played badminton, some played billiards, some swam, I ogled at the guys coming out of the gym. LOL. I decided to leave at around 7 and went to Itay Marvin's and pay a visit and drink a few bottles. Apparently, I wasn't the only one going to. James, Rommel and Joms arrived soon. I wasn't really in the mood to mingle. I was tired, still pissed at Joms, and I still had to do the manuscript. Topz texted me, inviting me to join them for yet another drinking session. I felt even worse when I got that message. Apparently, he hasn't read my email to him, saying once again for the nth time that we should not see each other again. Then the text from Topz came. He just read my email and cancelled the gimmick. He told me he was feeling really bad about the whole situation. And with that I finally lost it. I bid the guys goodbye and decided to go home. After a few minutes of thinking, I thought that maybe Topz and I could talk and just clear things out. So Topz, PJ, Pao and I went to Cavite to have a drink. And drink we did. We had loads of fun "turning it on". Long story. Then PJ and Pao went out to buy more booze; Topz and I were left at the house.

...

Twas Monday. The way back home was long and tiring. Fortunately Pao was just the best riding partner ever. (That didn't sound right.) We were dancing inside the bus as if we were in Bed sans standing and the fabulous crowd of course. If you've seen Pao dance, you'll have a pretty good picture of the way we did it. Asteeg!

Twas Thursday. Topz and PJ invited me to watch a movie. Actually, I invited myself. Hehehe. As usual, I was fashionably late. After eating, it was off to the movies for us. Unfortunately, we do not have a movie in mind. Something new I learned about Topz: He likes scary movies. So we watched House of the Dead. I'm not really a fan of scary movies but we had fun watching this one not because it was scary but because the movie was entertaining and so were PJ and Topz. Basta. After the movie, we went to SBC for coffee. New things I learned about Topz: 4 years old, hair, pills, braces, ejaculate. Go figure. Then we found ourselves at a park in Makati.

...

Twas Friday. 6 o'clock. Time for Topz to go to work. We accompanied him to his office and went home. And just like any day with Topz, it was bittersweet.

Twas Friday. After getting the final draft of my manuscript, I went to G4 to hang out for a while. The Odder peeps were going there too to watch a movie so I figured I'll wait for them there. Note to self: Buy a new pair of pants! I looked kinda dugyot coz my pants were virtually falling apart. I think I had those since 3rd year high school! The guys arrived and I had a chat with a few of them. One friend in particular shocked the hell out of me. ;) After a few minutes, it was time for them to enter the cinema. I bade them goodbye, apologized for not joining them. I had other priorities.

...

Twas Saturday. I went home with two hickeys on my neck, a lump in my throat, and a broken heart.

DONE

2004-03-31T10:51:00.000+08:00

I'm done with the draft of the manuscript. Buzzer beater!... At least I hope I made it just in time... Just a few steps more and it's goodbye college! Yahoo!

I'm done with being pissed now. 'Seems like everyone already acknowledged his mistakes... and that's everyone including me. Kapatid, di ako galit. I'm totally cool. Labs ya!

I'm done with being sad now. I realize that I do not have to be. Topz and I already talked about what our situation is and what we should do. Sure there are things to sacrifice; but 'tis all for the better. I will not sulk and wallow at what could have been and instead cherish what was and treasure what is.

The heart does not go insane. The brain who keeps on fighting it does.

WALK AWAY, KEEP YOUR HEAD

2004-03-28T07:36:00.000+08:00

It's difficult to not know how to cry. No matter how much I want to let it all out, I can't. Chest: in pain; breathing: difficult; throat:sore, hands: trembling; mind: fucked up.

That's how I'm feeling this morning. I don't know how to let it all out. I can smash all the plates in the house... too "soap opera". I can slash my wrist... not my style. There's no one else to talk too. I think they're already fed up listening to me over and over again. I feel that my friends already think low of me. I feel like I'm alone in this.

I have heard my friends say I've earned myself notoreity for hurting the feelings of the people who love me, as if I take pleasure in doing so. It's not the easiest thing to do, you know. It gets to you. The problems haunt you to your bed. Countless hours wasted with repetitive analysis. After breaking someone's heart, nothing has changed still. Things only intensified. All these without the ability of shedding a decent tear.

Now I've placed myself again in bad light. And this time I think they're right. It was totally irresponsible of me to let my feelings get the best of me. What was I thinking?! I'm destroying a good relationship. I'm destroying my relationship with my friends. I'm destroying myself.

I think I should go into hiding for a while, give people peace... give myself peace.

I'll see you around, guys.

Joms, it is not your fault. Don't flatter yourself too much.

BUBBLE BATH

2004-03-27T22:16:00.000+08:00

Last night was a rollercoaster.

Afternoon: laid back

I went to school for the German finals and got to talk to Stanley. 'Talked about the usual stuff: the Odders and his seemingly complicated lovelife. Same old, same old. I also went to the PMS tambayan and play a quick round of tong-its with the guys before the exam. The exam was, well, chicken feed. Hahaha. After the exam, I Went back home to rest for a while.

Early evening: nervous

I went to Greenbelt to meet Nathan and have my hair cut. When I arrived, Nathan was already on the chair, Francis and John Rae already had their hair fabulously done. I was really nervous about the whole haircut thing. Tito Den adviced me to have a more adventurous hairstyle coz my hair was so "safe". So I asked for some suggestions from the resident fashionista and referred me to this place, Pia-something (I forgot). That was actually the first time I spent more than 200php for just a haircut! Sheesh! My haircut used to cost 60php only! So there I was sitting on the chair, waiting for something to happen... Shampoo. The best part! God, I could just stay there and have a good massage all day. Next: haircut. I was really sleepy last night. I kept on dropping my head during the whole thing. Nakakahiya sa nanggugupit. After a few minutes... Voila! A mohawk, a very tall mohawk! Naaliw ako just for the shock value! Bumata ata ako ng 2 years! And I don't look that harrassed na! Nathan and I then went to Paragon for the farewell party... for Paragon, that is.

Mid-evening to midnight: kilig

When we arrived at James's pad, all the guys were already there. The condo unit looked really empty. (Nakakamiss...) Topz was already there, looking gwapo as always. I hugged him really tight when I was greeting everyone. I've been dying to do that for almost two weeks! Usap-usap, wento-wento. Lying in bed, we cuddled. Hay... That was just heavenly, as if suddenly there were no one else but the two of us. I can still smell his perfume when I think of it. We were holding each other's hands, giving each other a few glimpses from time to time. I was wishing it would never end... Sobrang senti naman, exaj! Hahaha. But seriously, it felt sooo good.

Very early morning: confused

The guys went to the infamous Malate. First stop: Bargo. Mode: Function room. After two bottles Topz, Bench and I went to the ATM. Bench, hayup ka, anlayo! Topz kept on wiping his sweat all the way back. Next stop: Bath. I wanted to go to Bed and dance but what the heck, for experience's sake, Bath it was. Nobody was dancing when we got there. Everybody was busy upstairs. Rommel dragged us into the dark room to show us what's inside. Well, ummm, it's dark. Nothing "miraculous" was happening yet. (Thank God!) Topz and I danced in the middle of this box of a room. Nobody else was dancing but what the heck, I wanted to dance! Somewhere in the middle of the dance, our bodies moved in closer and a "kiss" sort of started. Suddenly the music stopped and so did the world. I've been wanting to kiss Topz for the longest time now. And this was the moment. This was... "Marvs, I can still see in the dark." It was Rommel. The kiss ended before it even started. It was close but no cigar for me. Back to dancing. I tried to act normal but I was affected by all of it. I needed some breather. I went out of the room to get a drink, hang out by the balcony and just enjoy the music. Guys were making "paramdam" all over but I wasn't in the mood to "fight" back. I just remained "stoic". One person even screamed "Christiana!" at my face. After a while, the place was already suffocating me. I needed to go outside. Topz, PJ, Bench and Vermont were outside. Apparently they thought I already went home. I told Bench that I was pissed off. "It's already hard knowing Topz is taken. It's even harder to have people rubbing it on my face," I told him. Sheesh! This thing is fucking my head big time! We then went to District to grab something to eat. I didn't want to eat anything but they were forcing me to. So I ate shawarma with them. Then they were making fun of the way I eat! We had a good laugh at District. I was again enjoying myself. We went back to Orosa to find where out where the guys were. We only saw Sonny and Pol but they were busy. It was already 330 and Topz needed to go home. I was supposed to just cross the street and get a ride but Bench suggested I get a ride somewhere else to extend "quality time". Who would say no to that?! I held Topz's free hand whenever I could. I didn't want to let go. Now it's even clearer why I should.

Morning: slumber.

ELLIPSES

2004-03-26T04:11:00.000+08:00

Hindi pa ako tapos sa manuscript ko...
Malamang sa lunes pa ako makapagpasa...
Too many things going on in my head...
Mahirap talaga mag-isip...
Byernes na...
Masaya ito...
Excited na ako...

MALICE AND VENUS

2004-03-25T07:00:00.000+08:00

I am outraged! These people make me sick. They are one of the the worst people on earth.

I know that eventually my sexual orientation will be no secret to most of the people I know. It's something that I've recognized a long time ago and something that I've gladly embraced. Going out with Patrick was a leap. He's out and being seen with him all the time would and did make people jump into conclusions. I was totally fine with that. I'm not ashamed about my sexuality and I choose not to make it an issue. I am so over that stage.

I would not mind if someone would jump into conclusions because of what he sees. If he does want to know just for the sake of it, he could ask the people who most likely know the truth. If he does care for me he'd ask me directly. I wouldn't mind at all. He just has to keep that information to himself because, in the first place, it's none of his damn business.

But for some reason, people talk. And they talk with malice. Why the heck would anyone spread unconfirmed information to people that has nothing to do with me at all? (By unconfirmed I mean the information was not confirmed by me or anyone close to me. Anyway, unconfirmed or otherwise, it's something that shouldn't be spread at all.) For entertainment, I guess? As if my life is found in the daily paper! It's none of their fucking business! Clearly, what they do is not done in good taste. And that just makes me sick!

I recently learned through a close friend that my ex-gf was telling our high school classmates "news" about my sexuality. I know she knows because she has "access" to information. But she's the last person I'd expect to do that! I am very disappointed. I don't know what her intentions are, but I am truly hurt. I loved this woman. Now I'm starting to lose respect for her.

There is something good about all these. Now I know who my real friends are.

I WISH ONLY FOR YOUR HAPPINESS

2004-03-24T13:52:00.000+08:00

Contrary to what I've posted below, I decided not to throw in the towel... at least not yet.

I am so confused. I know that I should take the initiative and withdraw, but I just can't. I should make my life easy and just forget about him, right? Believe me, I tried and it didn't make my life any easier nor did it make me forget about him. What it actually did was just affirm what I do feel for him, just how much I'd be in misery should I choose to leave him be. Now I realize that I'm indeed falling for him.

So I figured I'd just let him decide what to do. Topz, I'm so sorry for putting the burden on you but only you can decide on what will really make you happy. And that is what I care about the most. I want you to be happy. I am not saying that I'm a better person than Pao nor am I implying that I can make you happier. All that will remain uncertain. I may not be capable of giving you what he gives to make your relationship last. As I've said, we don't really know.

I'm not asking you to leave Pao and be with me instead. I just want you to be happy, whoever you end up with. Take your time and think hard. And when you're ready to decide I'll accept your decision, be happy for you, and be glad that I had the chance of being special to you.

TEXTANAGA

2004-03-23T02:39:00.001+08:00

Huwag kang magsusuplong
Kung ako ay malulong
Na hagkan ka't ikulong
Sa yakap ko at bulong.

John Torralba
Karangalang Banggit

Nagmula sa folding bed
Bumagsak sa big;
Napunta na sa sahig
Ikaw pa rin ang isip.

Michael Sanchez
Karangalang Banggit

Bagay sa 'yo buhok mo
Bagay sa 'yo suot mo
Pero, Sinta, alam mo?
Ako'ng mas bagay sa 'yo.

Eunice Biasbas
Karangalang Banggit

Nag-almusal mag-isa,
Kaning-lamig, tinapa;
Nahulog ang kutsara
Ikaw na sana, sinta.

Edgar J.C. Galang
Unang Gantimpala

Puto lang ako, sinta-
May init ng bibingka,
Tamis ng maja blanca,
Sapin-saping ligaya.

Don Clarence Cruz
Unang Gantimpala

Ako'y si Juan, irog;
Bayabas kang matayog
Hihintaying mahinog
Hanggang sa 'ki'y mahulog.

Jonathan Francisco
Unang Gantimpala

Nang ako'y nag-aabang
Ng tala't bulalakaw
Bigla kang napadaan
At ako'y tinamaan.

Mark John Abeleda
Unang Gantimpala

Ika'y nakatingala
Sa b'wan at mga tala
Habang ako'y tulala
Sa 'yo, aking himala

overboard

CEREBRO, SORRY BRO

2004-03-23T02:39:00.000+08:00

My mind tells me that I did the right thing. But why the hell do I feel so down? I'm torn. I can't believe he has this much of an effect on me. Karma? Fuck karma.

GEARLESS

2004-03-23T02:37:00.000+08:00

I went swimming again last Saturday! This time I was with the RPT (Rifle-Pistol Team) peeps. Aisha celebrated her 20th birthday. Mamu (her mom) was with us. And so were my bestfriend, Kris, Jon and Kiko. I wonder what's going on between Aisha and Kiko... Hmmm. Di ko alam yun a!

I was Caught off guard by the whole swimming thing 'cause I wasn't informed about it. I thought we'd just be hangin' at Aisha's. So I brought nothing for swimming. Aisha lent me a pair of shorts though. But still I ended up going home with just my original shorts protecting my... err... precious. Badtrip pa kasi butas yung shorts ko!

Mamu is the sweetest mom ever. When we were already sleeping back at Aisha's, she heard me coughing my lungs out in my sleep. She got up and rubbed Vick's on my back. Awww...

My RPT buddy, Sarah, was supposed to be with us. When we were about to leave, her friends called her and said they needed her badly because a friend has a problem. That better be important! Man, I miss Sarah.

We were so beat come Sunday, we just slept at Aisha's. Kris and I finally took off at around 4.

That night before we left for Pansol, somebody called... and I never took the smile off my face again. Well, until Sunday night.

WHAPAK!

2004-03-23T02:28:00.000+08:00

Friday night is, of course, gimmick night. And it was the last day of classes! Yahoo! I think I deserved to party.

After finishing the last lab report I'd ever do for school, I rushed to join the PMS (Pre-Medical Society) peeps at Jerry's Grill at Timog. Kaya pala andito sila... mura ang beer! Think Cognac, Quattro and, here's the catch, Hap Tian combined. Go figure.

All of my batchmates, except Ivy, were there. Bryan was already red when I got there. Sheila brought 2 girlfriends along. They reminded me of my ex, Celine. 'Kinda flirted with one of them. Jaycee was his same perky self again. Rarampa pa raw sya sa Malate. Chris and Nick were talking nigger. Weird.
By the time I got there, everybody has already eaten his dinner. Bummer. I had no one to share the huge serving of food. Being the cheapskate that I am, I opted to skip dinner and proceed to drinking. Ein Bier, bitte! San Mig Strong Ice! Whoa! I love this beer. Talap! I was already in my second bottle when I realized, man, I was really hungry. So tinanggal ko na ang kakuriputan ko at umorder na ng sisig. Man, I was really hungry I finished my fill in less than five minutes. At 11:30, after four bottles of San Mig Strong Ice, PMS peeps bade farewell to each other. Off I went to Paragon Plaza for Paul's birthday celebration, Odders style!

Riding the ordinary bus, I was carrying a smile. Man, ansarap ng feeling ng may alcohol sa katawan! I can't remember the last time I had a drink! I think it was two weeks na. Man that was long. I fell asleep somewhere near Shaw. Big mistake. The bus conductor had to wake me up at Guadalupe. Hehehe. So I backtracked to Paragon.

Like any other Odders contingent, there was a lot of people. And the Paowikan was there! I missed this guy! Too bad he didn't stay that long. Nothing much happened to me that night except of course the never-ending sermon about Topz. Everybody's tired of this so I won't elaborate on it in this entry. The gist: Everybody said no.

Around 3 we bade James goodbye. We grabbed something to eat at Chowking. Everybody was teasing everybody. God, how complicated this barkada is! A likes B who happens to like C who happens to like A. D, E and F also like A. G, who happens to be with H, likes F. C broke I's heart. J is hopelessly in love with K. K is, well, K. I wonder if he's over L. M and N truly love each other but N is somewhere else. O and P just broke up but they are getting along well now. Q likes R. Apparently R sent the wrong signals. S and T really like each other but T is in a relationship. U and V and W and X are staying strong. X has this little crush on Y (nothing serious). Y is very much happy with his new-found Z. I wonder what happened to Y and... err... I ran out of letters. Ummm... him. Sige nga hulaan nyo kung sinu-sino yan! Hahahah!

I'M CLOSE

2004-03-23T02:27:00.000+08:00

School's finally over! Well almost. I still have to finish my thesis manuscript and take the final exam for my German class. After that, it's all over!

Do I dare say it? Yeah, I dare. I'M GONNA GRADUATE!

NEW LOOK

2004-03-19T15:44:00.000+08:00

If you're wondering why the heck this blog is red and white... well, it's supposed to be the "Salva Vida" blog. So I figured I should make it look like one. I'll try to make it look better once I have the time. But as for now... it's a simple red and white. If you don't like it guys just tell me. We'll do something about it.

TRAURIGER ABZAEHLREIM

2004-03-18T11:58:00.000+08:00

Ich liebe dich
Du liebst mich nicht
Ich bin die Nacht
Du bist das Licht
Ich bin der Schmerz
Du bist das Glueck
Drum schaue nie zu mir zurueck
Ich wiess und fuhl es bitterlich
Du liebst mich nicht
Ich liebe dich

Ernst Ginsberg

WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS

2004-03-14T20:54:00.000+08:00

I just can't help it! I have to blog! Hahaha. This is like coffee to me, very addicting. I have found another addiction! Let's see... There's cigs, coffee, sleep. There you go... Number 4. Blogging.

Number 5. Topz.

Now, what to do with Addiction Number 5? Bahala na. Basta I won't do anything silly. Promise. Just let me keep this feeling. I'm savoring every moment of this new-found emotion and I'm having a blast riding every up and every down, hearing every sigh and every curse. I'm having the time of my life! It's like a new diesel formula running my motor!

I'm actually thinking of deleting my previous blog about Topz. But then again... I meant every word. Ano pang use ng blog ko kung ise-censor ko sarili ko.

Rehab centers give smaller and less potent doses of drugs to patients withdrawing from an addiction...

BEACH!

2004-03-14T20:45:00.000+08:00

To everyone: Die with envy. I just got home from the beach! Talap! I've got a nice tanline. Ahehehe. Thank God I have color again! Di na ako mukhang may hepa.

The Pre-Medical Society's final rites was okey. I'm a little beat right now though but the beach was so worth it. It wasn't the nicest beach around but the waves, the wind, the sun... shit! I can't wait for the next beach encounter!

Perhaps the only thing lacking was the abundance of whamminess... O heck, I was there nga pala! There was plenty! Hahaha!

OBSESSED

2004-03-13T07:16:00.000+08:00

I think I'm obsessed. I should stop whatever it is that I'm doing. I'm starting to be extremely pathetic. Marvin, marvin, marvin... behave.

I wish all that activity next week would take my mind off of this.

On the other hand... I'm really enjoying these new emotions. Mahirap pala talaga. Helplessness... very humbling. Mukhang ako naman ata ang kakanta ng "Why Can't It Be."

Why? 'Cause it just can't be. Probably that makes it harder, makes me a lot more helpless.

I'm laughing at myself right now. Everything is so clear yet I can't think straight. Could this be it? Is this how it feels to be helplessly infatuated? I better stop. This is so pathetic. This is so not happening to me. Must be an illusion. I better shrug this off. Give me a week or so. Hopefully, when I see him again, it doesn't have to feel this way.

'Hope you're having a blast. Stay strong, you two. I'm lobbying for you.

Damn. Torture! O tukso,layuan mo ako!

There you go. I'm admitting it. I'm a little obsessed... ok, maybe not a little. I'm infatuated but that's it. Falling in love is out of the question. It's just not logical.

Magtatago muna ako sa lungga ko.

OVERLOAD

2004-03-13T05:14:00.000+08:00

Next week is the last week of classes. At long fuckin' last! As much as I want to be excited, I can't. The freakin' week is loaded!

Saturday
Preparation for UP Pre-Medical Society final rites

Sunday
UP Pre-Medical Society final rites

Monday
MBB 197 (Special Topics in MBB) long exam
MBB 150 (Molecular Immunology) graded recitation

Tuesday
Yahoo! Free day!

Wednesday
MBB 180 (Industrial Biotechnology) laboratory final exam

Thursday
MBB 197 (Special Topics in MBB) take-home exam deadline
MBB 150 (Molecular Immunology) graded recitation

Friday
MBB 180 (Industrial Biotechnology) laboratory final paper deadline
MBB 180 (Industrial Biotechnology) lecture long exam
Thesis first draft deadline

I don't think I can blog anytime next week. I may be able to post but I won't be able to read my friends' blogs or even my mail. Bummer. I'll be missing out on a lot. What's worse is I won't be able to attend the contingent happening next week... unless of course it will be held on a Friday. I do hope it's on a Friday. Man, I will miss the guys. I won't be seeing them for more than a week! That's highly unusual! Waaaa!

I do hope I get through next week in one piece. Konti na lang... (crosses fingers)

PARAGON: WHOLESOME

2004-03-11T12:13:00.000+08:00

4:19am

I can't sleep. There's no point in sleeping anyway since I should be getting ready for school by 5:00. Unless of course I'd like to wake up with a headache. So I figured I'd just blog the remaining hour away.

The party in Paragon was... umm... wholesome. It's not that we're not wholesome at all. It's just that no one self-destructed; I didn't see anyone kissing torridly; no one was dead drunk. Everybody was just enjoying the videoke or the conversations with each other. Well there was the teat-pinching-slash-groping session; but that was somewhat comparable to women comparing their boobs.

Here are some things I can still remember:

I was riding the same train Glendel was riding.

I was riding the elevator with Kenji (the model) and he said, "Thank you." Sheesh! I almost dropped my jaw!

Lui joined the contingent for the first time, i think... Still very quiet...

Topz was looking really swell.

Jagard and Boccelli came at long last! Boccelli was sporting a goatee. Very sexy. Jagard looked... umm... yummy. :)

Henry came sporting a cleaner cut. Way to go! Konti na lang...

Everybody already ate his dinner. Bummer...

People in attendance: Arrjae, Baray, Dencio, Dennis, Francis, Glen, Henry, Jansen, James, Joms, Kahlee, Lolo Roni, Lui, Nate, Paul, PJ, Raf, Rommel, Roy, Sonny, Topz, Vermont and Zeki. I hope I didn't miss anyone.

Everybody watched an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." Funny show, very entertaining. I love what they did to the apartment... One of the Fab Five looks hot. I think it's Kyan.

The Attack of the Bulge... ;)

Videoke, videoke, videoke.

I sang Kalapana's "The Hurt"... again. Score: 89. Ho-hum... Ich habe keine Lust auf sangen.

There was a heated debate regarding monogamy, relationships and missing out... I think I pissed Joms a bit... I think Topz became more confused. Hehehe.

Teat-pinching-slash-groping session part 1. Nagkaalaman na kung sino ang may suso. Hahaha.

I ate some bread. I was really hungry... Thanks James!

Nathan and I went down for drinks... Coke Light was sold out so I bought Vanilla Coke instead... I offered Topz a sip; Topz: "Okey lang? Hindi ba nakakahiya?" Nyak!

Henry broke the table.

Stan called. He accused me of spilling his little secret... That brat!

Teat-pinching-slash-groping session part 2.

Kinky sex conversation.

Videoke, videoke, videoke.

We ordered some food from Wendy's. As usual, James took the orders... The food took an hour to arrive. Boy was I hungry. I ate macaroni salad and baked potato with cheese. Sarap!

Blog conversation.

Everybody hugged and stanned each other goodbye.

Henry was singing inside the elevator... disturbing. :)

I was alone on the way home... again.

I wasn't able to stan Topz... Bummer.

The doors are locked... I had to wake my father up.

I couldn't sleep... I watched Fear Factor instead... Spiders... Yumm!

I still couldn't sleep... Charmed... Cute guy.

I still couldn't sleep... I wasn't able to stan Topz... Bummer.

I still couldn't sleep... Blog.

I wasn't able to stan Topz... Bummer.

I already miss the guys.

It's already 5. Gotta run.

TRANSFER

2004-03-10T17:49:00.000+08:00

Welcome to my new home!

The Xanga site (http://www.xanga.com/overboard/) will not be updated again. All the posts there are also found in this new blogsite.

You can still message me through chatterbox in the xanga site and in this new blogsite. Plus this new blog has a link for comments for every post.

Let's all blog our heads off!

GEEK!

2004-03-09T19:53:00.000+08:00

Athena

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

That's it. I'm a freakin' nerd! I don't think I am but sometimes I think I do become one. I try my best not to include academic matters in conversation with my friends. Sheesh! Now I'm becoming paranoid. Do I bore people when I talk? I hope not.

In school, I try my best not to be labelled a geek. Thanks to my course, which is notoriously a nest for nerds. Some say I'm trying too hard. But when people tell me that I don't look like a student of Molecular Biology and Biotechnology, that's music to my ears. I have the attitude, man! Hahaha!

Luiggi mentioned in his blog that I am, I quote, geeky and goal-oriented. Hmmm... Maybe he's right. Maybe I am a geek.
I always see myself as the rational type, sometimes even heartless. Maybe that's why I'm Athena. Sheesh! The last time I took the quiz I'm Aries. Ngayon, ang haba na ng buhok ko!

MEMENTO

2004-03-09T19:12:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 2am today. Early, eh? That's because I slept at 8!

So there I was listening to the silence of the early morning. I found myself doing nothing. I didn't have the urge to read anything but I wasn't in the mood for bumming around either. A great idea came: fix the freakin' study table!

I can't work at all when my table's a mess... which means I haven't been working for months! There has been a mountain of stacked books and papers on it since November, I think. Why doesn't the help fix it then? Well, I don't let anyone touch my stuff. I get mad when I can't find my things. I know every piece of paper in that pile so I know exactly where to get whatever I am looking for.

I've been like this since forever. It doesn't really bother me... unless of course I need the table! So I haven't been using the table for a while. I've been using the dining table, or the PC table, which is of course not very comfortable. So I figured I'd give myself a treat and fixed the darn table. I fixed the broken drawer of the PC table too. Me likes being the handy man... makes me feel sexy. Hahaha!

Of course fixing the table brought some surprises. A lot of the stuff burrowed in that pile bring memories of days I had with my ex... the ferry tickets to Bataan, a letter, a ticket to this concert, a bill, a letter... It made me feel a bit sad thinking of those happy moments. It made me question my decision of breaking up with him. Then I'd see the flowers he gave me - brown and bowing. They already lost their fragrance. But somehow, seeing them, I remembered how good they smelled. It made me remember how I felt when they were given to me, how I couldn't take the smile off of my face, how much I felt loved.

Fixing the table was liberating. Every stuff I dumped into the trash is a breath of fresh air, a reassurance that I made the right decision, a load off my back. I'm finally fixing my table!

I still have the text messages he sent me... in a folder dedicated solely for his messages.

Erase folder?

OK.

By the way, I spared the flowers.

UNGESUND

2004-03-08T18:11:00.000+08:00

I have a terrible cough. Parang bumabaril. May plema-plema pa. The weather isn't really helping. I should really get in shape. Eat right. Sleep right. Good luck.

I've been sickly lately. Well I have to admit I'm not the most health-conscious person around. I tend to abuse my body too much, staying up 'til the wee hours of the morning, skipping meals, eating my heart out, eating greasy food and junk food, smoking relentlessly, binge drinking. I'm a physician's disaster.

I've never been this unhealthy. It must be stress. I really hope I get through all these in one piece. I can't wait to hit the gym again!

MBB 150: MOLECULAR IMMUNOLOGY

2004-03-08T17:24:00.000+08:00

10:30am, classroom interior

I'm dizzy... My head is killing me!

My classmates are jabberin' about something I can't understand. They're speaking in tongues! I don't know if I'm just not listening but I'm pretty sure they're talking about vaccines.

Toxoids. Polysaccharides.

Blech! Nakakasawa na! I'm so not in the mood for class.

Prof says, "did everybody get that?" Funny. I don't think people are listening. They're all busy doing something else. Some are just staring at their desks, some at the person reciting; but I really don't think they're listening.

Route of delivery. Oral. Mucosal immunity. IgA. STD.

What the fuck! My classmates are speaking Taglish when they clearly know that we have a foreign classmate. Naaawa tuloy ako dito kay Mr. Jun Minagawa. His English is good actually, but I don't think his Filipino is. I really wish my classmates would be more sensitive. I could really see he’s struggling to understand what the heck my classmates are talking about. he's concentrating really hard, trying to capture recognizable phrases... much like a slightly deaf person.

Nestor is already sleeping. Hahahaha! Soon enough he’ll be bobbing his head up and down trying to keep it up. Haha!

Vanessa didn’t go to class today. She must still be doing the extended abstract.

Class I and Class II MHC presentation. Cytosolic introduction of vaccine. DNA vaccines. Gene gun.

Uh-oh! Ma’am is looking for “volunteers” for the graded recitation.

“Maqui.”

Whew! That was close.

“Recite on the Howard Hughes article…”

What?! I haven’t read that yet!

Gene-targeted integration = homologous recombination. Bacterial replication but mammalian expression.

Why am I writing about these stuff?! Better question: How did I maintain interest to these things for four grueling fucking years?! Have I chosen the right major? Gawd! It’s too late for such rants! I need an adjuvant to elicit a more powerful response to this compromised host! Inflammation! I guess I’m immune.

Edible vaccines… Yumm!

11:30, where are you? What's taking you so long?

YELLOW

2004-03-08T09:07:00.000+08:00

4:35am

Yellow is playing...

Coldplay is the best. I love their first album, Parachutes. Everyone should have a copy of this! The band's sound brings me into a state of limbo as if detaching me from the physical world. Every note wreathes with the soul in an imaginary embrace... much like having sex with an anaconda, powerful yet intimate. Every strum of the lead guitar makes my heart beat in unison with it. The lyrics, poetic and allegorical, dark and light at the same time. Very very intimate music. Highly recommended.

I wonder... of all the colors, why yellow?

Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn to something beautiful
And you know for you I'd bleed myself dry...

Oh well, time to prepare for school!

PUBLICATION

2004-03-08T09:05:00.000+08:00

2:30am

I should start doing this extended abstract my thesis adviser asked us to do. Our theses will be submitted to the Philippine Society of Microbiologists and will be presented in a convention sponsored by the said organization. Naks! Hahaha! Something worth putting in a resume... finally!

4:30am

Done! 30 minutes before I should start preparing for school.

I didn't sleep again. I'm pretty sure by the end of all my classes (2:30) I'll be really tired. I'll just go back home immediately and get myself some beauty rest. All that staying up late is transforming me into a vampire again... (A picture of myself with Lestat and Louis walking side by side flashes... hmmm...) I gotta finish that damn Vampire Chronicles! All in due time, Marvin. All in due time.

ERRATUM

2004-03-08T09:04:00.000+08:00

2:00am

I've been in love with a close friend. I was reminded by my best friend, Kris. (Hi, Best!)
Her name is Donna. We're not really very close but we were pretty close. Well, being in love with her didn't end pretty well. I think it may be the reason why I shoot my gun at a different direction, that is, people who are not so close to me.

Donna and I are batchmates in an organization at the university. She's really funny, intelligent, independent... just my type. We spent great times together. She's a keen listener and very sensible when she speaks... ok, not all the time because she's a real nut. Hahaha. Boy, that girl can make me laugh! I courted her for some time but it just died away. I guess it's because I felt a little insecure because I'm thinking she doesn't take me seriously because she knows I swing both ways. [I told her.] The fact that her ex, Gudo, was a good friend of mine didn't help.

Man, that guy hated my guts. He and I were really close, like bloodbrothers actually. When I started courting Donna, he just went ballistic... which is, by the way, very typical of him. If we weren't close then he would've killed me. Grinipuhan na ako nun sa tagiliran!

Well, Gudo and I are friends again, not as close as we were then though... Man, he will really kill me when he learns I'm gay! Careful, careful... He's a good guy. I'm sure he won't do that... I hope. [gulp]

Losing hope in my chances with Donna probably catapulted my swinging with guys again which eventually led to entering a relationship. I thought I could be straight again; I was so wrong. I should really get this damn head of mine fixed.

STRONG EMOTIONS

2004-03-07T21:23:00.001+08:00

Apparently, Stanley has, i quote, "strong emotions" for an Odder. My reaction: where did this come from?

We're not really the closest of friends and he doesn't tell me everything; but having "strong emotions" IS big news. I would have had a clue or something. He'd tell me. I don't know if he told anyone who this person is; but I feel somewhat left out. It seems like these "strong emotions" are affecting him and I offered help but he wouldn't budge. I was mentioning names and still he wouldn't give me answers. Oh well...

At the course of the exchanged text messages, Stanley jokingly asked, "if the person were you, what would you do?" I was flabbergasted. It got me thinking. Of course he said it's not me. But if it were me, what would I do? I'm speaking generally now. If a person close to me tells me that he/she has strong emotions for me, what will I do?

Honestly, I don't know. My bestfriend told me she had feelings for me in the past and she just let it pass since she valued our friendship; but she never told me anything when she still had those feelings. It would be odd if one of the Odders would come up to me and tell me he has feelings for me. It would be flattering, really; but it's... odd. I mean I love these people but... not that way... which makes it more complicated since I wouldn't want things to change between us and I wouldn't want to hurt that person's feelings... which brings me to another thing that bothers me...

Why am I not comfortable with being in love with a close friend? Isn't it better to be friends with your lover? Thing is I have always been in love with someone I was not really friends with before the realtionship. There was always this intention to hook up first: hook up then friendship, never friendship then hook up. I've never really had strong emotions for any close friend. I wonder why? It never really crossed my mind until now. I may have unconsciously set the rule that I could never hook up with anyone I am friends with. I need to think about this more... not that I have any intentions of hooking up with a friend... Don't get me wrong; they are the best guys ever. It's just... odd. Sheesh! I'm the one to talk. I've been kissing some of these guys! Pero wala namang malisya e. Hehehe. But still I'm stopping that little kissing frenzy of mine.

Having said my take on friendship and hooking up, I realize... I should really be friends with Topz... ;)

PC BOO BOOS

2004-03-07T21:23:00.000+08:00

I'm using a rented PC tonight. My modem is really fucking with me and honestly I give up. I'm gonna have it fixed next time. After the house, a PC is next on my list. It just pisses me off big time when the PC malfunctions when I need it the most. It's really frustrating. One at a time, Marvin. One at a time.

SARDINES

2004-03-07T21:19:00.000+08:00

We have visitors today. They're distant relatives coming from an equally distant location. I don't even know they're names and why they are here. Until when are they gonna be here? Beats me. Unfortunately, I would have to share what little space I have. Ansikip na naman ng bahay. I'm pretty sure they'd be sleeping in the room which I already share with 4 people. Sheesh!

I've always wanted a room of my own. I just don't want other people messing with my stuff, making unwanted noises. There's a lot of things that I can't do, too. I can't hug the remote to the television. I can't play loud music whenever I want too. I can't go around the room naked. I can't watch porn anytime. I can't spank my monkey when I feel like it. Worst of all I can't bring anyone for sex. Hahaha. I just wish the people I'm sharing my room with would be equally sensitive about my need for personal space. Whenever I need to study, they'd just do whatever they like. They won't even turn the tv volume down. When they're already sleeping, I can't turn the lights on so I have to make do with the lampshade. It gets really frustrating... especially when the baby came along! I have to be very quiet when the baby is sleeping or trying to sleep. And her mother always blames me when she wakes! What the fuck!

So now I'm serious about leaving the house when I get a job. I can't wait to have my own room. I can do without the conveniences of having to stay with my folks. Actually the house is more of a bed-and-breakfast for me. I go home to sleep and leave in the morning. That's it. I don't really talk to anyone here so I guess I won't miss them that much. I'm pretty sure they won't miss me that much either.

Just this morning, I was having a pretty erotic dream. Naturally, I was having a good old morning wood. The following events happened in less than a second: Out of nowhere, I pulled junior out and he was mighty proud. still half asleep, I opened my eyes to have a quick look around. And sure enough someone was there - a distant relative around 12 years old! So I quickly hid my precious back to its home. Although busy fixing her bed, I am pretty sure she saw my schlong as I whipped it out! My hard-on died instantly. Sharing a room and sleep-jacking: not a good combination... I so need my own room.

64

2004-03-06T21:07:00.000+08:00

March 4, 8:30am, bus interior

I just finished my poster, well at least the draft, and I'm on my way to school. I finally mustered the will to sit down and go to business and finish the damn thing! And to think I finished if in 4 freakin' hours! Well, the poster doesn't contain much actually. It's not supposed to contain much actually so I guess I pretty much got what is expected.

Here's the plan for today: I should be able to arrive at school at around 10 o'clock... which means if I have to get things done, I have to cut class again! For the nth time! Look for the thesis adviser immediately. Hopefully, she's there. Hopefully, she's in a good mood. If she's not there... er, tough luck. Ask the research assistant where she is... and find her! I am so dead if I don't find her. So right now, I'm just keeping my cool, breathing deeply, doing those Zen what-have-yous to prevent losing my fuckin' mind. "She's gonna be there. I'll find her. She'll make minor alterations on my draft. She'll be ecstatic." That's the spirit!

All that Zen stuff made me dizzy. I think I'll doze off for a while.

March 6, 8:30pm, room interior

Well... See that entry above? It was supposed to be followed by updates. However... things didn't happen the way I envisioned them to. I ended up working my ass off for hours. It was horrible.

I did reach school that day at 10. But when I saw the contents of my labmates' posters, I thought, "this is gonna be a long day." Sure enough, it was. I revised everything. By 11:30 I submitted it to my thesis adviser. (Thank God she didn't go anywhere.) Bad trip nga lang, hindi naman nya binasa nang husto. She gave me a completely different abstract, introduction, etc. Pinahirapan pa ako, sana sya na lang ang gumawa. Hahaha. It was actually fine by me. I mean, she's a co-author. It's about time she contributed something, kahit intellectual contribution lang. By 1:30, I was racing back home to do the actual poster.

I arrived at 3:00 and wasted no time. I finished the poster by 9 and raced back to school to have it approved for printing. By 10, my thesis adviser was making minor alterations to the poster. After that, I was again racing back home to print the poster. Bad trip nga lang kasi I should have had my poster printed by a printing establishment. Too bad the poster file was big and I don't have a CD writer. I could have sent it to my mail but the fuckin' modem was not cooperating. So I ended up printing my poster piece by piece and pasted the whole thing together. Although laborious, the outcome was actually not bad. It didn't look trashy or messy. Halos hindi nga halata na pinagtagpi-tagpi lang. I did a good job. Naks! By 5:00 everything is a-ok!

By 7:30, I'm already in school. Actually, I was late for my German class. Ngayon lang ulit ako pumasok after being absent for 5 sessions and I had a feeling we would be having our long exam that day. Much to my dismay, I was right. So I took the exam and did my best to answer what I could, which wasn't really much. I am so failing that exam. Hahaha. I don't have to pass the class anyway; it's a non-credit subject, not required. But still, bad trip pa rin. By 8, I passed my paper and my teacher gave me a smirk. She was probably thinking, "Ayan! Absent kasi nang absent..." Oh well...

So I finally went to the department building and set up my poster. A lot of things were happening around. Everyone was busy setting up, rehearsing what to say when asked by the examiners, reviewing their sources. I was looking at everyone when I realized I was under-dressed. They told us to arrive in smart casual; almost everyone was in semi-formal. Bad trip. But the show must go on!

9 o'clock: show time! Everyone was standing beside his poster. Asteeg! Bad trip nga lang ang examiners, ambagal! By lunch time, only 1 examiner has visited me and there were 6! Eventually by 5 o'clock, all is done. I was so tired and sleepy by then, I was dragging myself out of the building.

5:30: I arrived at James's place. First thing in my mind: get some sleep! Of course, It would've been rude to sleep immediately. So, I slept after talking for a while. Aaah... Such bliss! After about thirty minutes, I was awaken by noise... Tito Roms and PJ have arrived.

After a while, Topz arrived. Funny, I was so sure it was going to be him as I walked to the door... er, ran to the door. Hahaha. Hindi ko na pinakawalan ang loko. I was all over him. It's pathetic. I must admit though that I was enjoying it. He showed us pictures of his "anaks". Man, they're adorable! Well, they're dogs. Hehehe.

I still can't forget how his fingers look like. Hahaha. They look like my toes! Hahaha.

Too bad he had to leave at around 9:30. When he left, I was bombarded by sermons! Everyone was telling me to stop flirting with him. They're concerned I'd fall for him. They're telling me that I was already falling for him! Huwat?! I'm sure I'm not but I wasn't sure that I won't. So I agreed to stop whatever it is that I was and am doing. It will be hard, but I have to. Hehehe. Behave na ako.

Soon enough, a lot of people arrived. Everyone was doing his business... a typical Odders contingent. I was feeling a bit down, I wasn't mingling much. I don't know if I was just tired or I was a bit sad because of the Topz conversation. I just didn't feel like mingling much. I was enjoying myself doing random things.

By 3:30 everybody left Paragon and went to Chowking... function room mode! We were laughing our asses out! Topic: a strand of hair! By 5 everyone said went separate ways. I got home at around 6. Inabutan na naman ako ng araw.

I was taking my clothes off when I realized that I couldn't open my cabinet to get my clothes. Sleeping people were blocking the door. I didn't want to wake them up so I just slept wearing my underwear. Bahala na kung anong makita nila pag nagising sila... I so need a room of my own!

Heavenly sleep... I woke up at 4. Hahahaha. Ansarap! After being awake for 64 hours! Now I'm sleepy again. Matutulog na ako.